Decent day # 10

I had a fantastic food day, I think. Part of it makes me nervous because it was def. more calories than I'm used to and it include eating a snack that made me feel kinda guilty. But, for the most part, I interacted with food really well today.

I was also NON STOP STARVING! OH MY GOODNESS. Seriously, I know I keep saying this, but it freaking feels like my stomach is eating my lungs/chest. It's not the shaky/hypoglycemic type of hungry - well, sometimes it is, but that's not what I'm referring to here. IT's like my stomach has come alive and it screaming and reaching out for more.

I already blogged about breakfast and lunch, so I don't need to do it again. My lunch turned out really well though. It tasted DELICIOUS AND I WOULD TOTALLY MAKE IT AGAIN! EATING GOOD TASTING FOOD IS ACTUALLY QUITE EASY! I ate half of what I cooked and ate the other half for dinner.

After I ate the lunch, I went to work at the fro yo store. I was just working a 3 hour afternoon shift and I ate like 10 min before working, so I didn't think I needed to bring a snack. I had just eaten a substantial lunch and it was only 3 hrs! But 2 hrs in I got kinda shaky hungry and just was in need-food-now mode. I didn't have food though, so I had fro yo. I had 4 oz of it with 3 spoonfuls of toppings. I only put the toppings in because I wanted to EAT something (you bite toppings) not lick something (you lick fro yo). So I ate the for yo until the toppings were gone and then the rest of it didn't appeal to me. I decided to just not count calories. I already knew that my calories would be high for today - especially on a day where I essentially sat on my butt all day long. I didn't want to count calories because I knew it's make me feel bad. So I didn't. ......

...... then, after dinner, I did count calories. And I did get to a number that is higher than what I prefer to eat on a day I don't exercise, but I was totally cool with it. I knew that number doesn't make me gain weight. I knew that number is actually a healthy number. And, some days I eat a little under, some days I eat a little over... it all balances out. My body can take care of itself. Also, I wasn't overeating because I felt SO HUNGRY before I ate every time. I was so hungry that it was almost painful to eat.

Even though I got to the higher number, 2 hrs after finishing dinner, I felt hungry again so I had an apple. Now it's 10pm. I feel no need to eat again today. I ate well today. I'm satisfied.

In the past, the pattern is, I start to eat a little better, my hunger really increaes, I don't honor that hunger quite enough which ultimately leads me to binge, I freak, and recommit to restriction. Therefore, knowing that that is my pattern, I need ot keep eating when I'm hungry to avoid this pattern. And, if I do binge, I need to not recommit to restriction. Okay - just a note.

I was also thinking about my body with more reasonableness today. In high school, I didn't really have an ED (you could say I had one for a few months in 9th grade and also in 3rd grade..), but I didn't really have an ED in high school. My weight was very healthy in high school. It was in the normal range. I was healthy/slim. Not "look at how skinny she is," but a healthy slim weight. Actually, I take that back. I was "look at how skinny she is" up until senior year - but that was natural teenage girl-ness. Senior year I grew 5 inches and gained weight and was healthy/slim/normal. Anyway, my lowest weight was in college but I shouldn't be that weight because that's unhealthy. My highest weight was in 2008 (even though I generally ate a bit too little --- it might have been the sleep eating that caused the weight gain), and that weight was too high for me too. right now I'm somewhere in between senior year of high school weight (my last full year without an ED) and my highest weight. I was thinking about how I have no idea what I weigh. When I gained weight with tracy and then reached xxx pounds and held it here for a while, that was a healthy, normal weight. That was the same weight that I weighed senior year of high school. At that weight, I gave away my too small clothes, bought new clothes or re-wore my senior year of high school clothes (some of which I stil had). Last year, those clothes were too small. Now, I don't know what weight I am... but I know that I can wear those clothes again. I think I am somewhere in between xxx (weight I got to with TRacy and senior year of high school weight) and my highest weight. And, really, there's nothing that wrong with being a little bit more than xxx. Maybe I really should just not pay attention to body image (given that I seem to be wearing different body image glasses at various points throughout the day). Maybe I should just know that my body must be fine. And focus on just good healthy, good life, and good nutrition. That's what I've been feeling like lately..

no, you know what? it's just weight. I don't actually value weight. So I shouldn't act/think like I do. So... who cares what pants I'm wearing or not wearing. It's about how I relate to others, how I enjoy food, and how I live.

Food report for today: (pressing enter 10 times)














B: 2 whole eggs + 1 packet of regular oatmeal
L: 3/4 cup quinoa + 2.25 oz chicken + 1 cup cubed eggplant + 2 tbspn peanut sauce
S: 4 oz (a little less) of fro yo + 3 spoonfuls topping (1 spoonful reese, 1 spoonful cone pieces, 1 spoonful almonds)
D: 3/4 cup quinoa + 2.25 oz chicken + 1 cup cubed eggplant + 2 tbspn peanut sauce
S: apple

i could use more produce in there. That was a meat and grain heavy type of day. That's fine. Whatever. I should buy more fruit though. I only have apples and a banaa righ tnow.

That seems like a lot of food, but I think it's okay. I was hungry for it. That's for sure. I need to keep going like this. IT seems like as I start to eat more regularly, my body is realizing it can ask for more and it sure is asking for more.

Plus, it was also okay to eat all this today beacause:
1) I am going on a long run tomorrow morning which will only be enjoyable if it's fueled. (not saying it's okay to eat this b/c i'll burn it off tomorrow. I'm saying I need to eat this in order to enjoy my run)
2) I will be go, go, going all day tomorrow
3) I work at the for yo store tomorrow and Monday's are always the craziest/busiest and so I'll spend approximately 5 hrs pacing back and forth to help customers.

I need energy stores for that + I need to eat enough tomorrow, too.

Eating is fun :)