For whatever reason, I am like amped (ramped? vamped? what is that word?) up on nervous and stress and anxiety. I think I just made myself calmer though (but it's going to take a conscious effor today).
I made a list of everything that's making me so nervous (it makes me feel weak in my limbs) and what to do about it.
oh yeah, and welcome to the psycho-crazy-intense-ocd-list-making-organized-planning-anal-teacher version of me..... ha...
STRESSOR ONE: WEIGHT. I don't feel good about my body. I don't like my weight. Due to lack of running, I don't even feel fit and athletic anymore.
PLAN A "scale back" (ha) on weighing myself; at least skip today; change to every day permanently if necessary. The huge amount of nerve-wrecking feelings that I feel every day before getting on the scale (even if the number isn't going up, even if the number is going down - I still feel a nerve-wrecking feeling before standing on the thing) is not helpful right now.
PLAN B: Focus on behaviors, not on weight.
PLAN C: Remember it is my spirit that makes me me, not my weight. It is possible to not hate myself even if I don't like my body.
PLAN D: Do what's effective! Don't engage with negative body-talk. Bashing myself doesn't make me suddenly able to run again. Insultint myself doesn't make me thinner. There's no point to this. So do not engage in negative talk.
STRESSOR TWO: FOOD: I'm afraid this nervous/anxious feeling will make me overeat. In reality... well, Truthfully, what I know will happen today is I'll end up eating a lot of "nothing-food" (a lot of airy no substance food)... I'll end up semi-restricting all day long. I know the effect of this is not good. IT makes me more obsessive. It doesn't make me lose weight. It is not the "evolved me" way of handling things.
PLAN A) I am not capable of "intuitive eating" today. I know that. J said that I need to remember that if I need to go back to a meal plan (even for a day), then I shouldn't hesitate to do so. So, I will make a plan that resembles the nutritionist's meal plan and I will follow it. That way, I don't have to think about food all day. IF I choose to re-plan a meal when I get to it, then that's allowed, but I have to plan it to resemble a normal meal. (I made a plan, but I'm not sure posting details like that here are a good idea. I also called the nutritionists and left her a message stating the plan, and I told her I'd call her tonight to tell her that I did follow the plan)
STRESSOR THREE: Can't run. I'm not even going to try. My leg hurts just walking from my bed to the coffee maker. How is my leg feeling more pain since I have stopped running?! How is that possible?! Normally, when I feel the way I do now (stressed and anxious and nervous and all that), I just go on a nice long, long run and I feel refreshed and calm and zenned and capable and confident.
Plan A: I can't run, but I can walk. I am only supposed to walk 20 min, but I will walk until I feel peace again. Maybe an hour.
Plan B: Walking probably won't be enough, so I will carve out time to calm myself down and decompress (that's usually what running does to me). Therefore, tonight, after work, I will sit, calmly, before going to bed and cut things out of magazines (that always calms me down too). Maybe I'll cut things out for an "evolved me" collage. Or I'll cut things out that resemble the culture I want in my classroom? Or maybe I'll just sit and read a magazine.
STRESSOR FOUR: Credential problems. I know that my teaching credential will be okay in the end, but it's goign to be a hassle and my principal doesn't know about it.
Plan A: Don't think about it now and call my principal on Monday to explain the situation.
STRESSOR 5: Teaching Next year. Self doubts. So much to do. Planning. Procedures. Rules. Culture. Moving classrooms. Changing grade levels. Etc. ETc.
Plan A: I have laready started planning instruction and long-term planning the year, so I don't need to let that stress me out. Plus, I will call the other teacher who teaches the same thing as me and schedule another meeting time to get together this coming week so we can continue to plan together.
Plan B: In terms of planning classroom rules/procedures/systems/culture, I will put that aside until August. Until then, I will remember that I was able to successfully plan that last year so it won't be that different this year. In August, I will write an essay outlining my vision for the culture of my classroom so that I'm clear on what I expect. But I'll save that for August. For now, this stressor doesn't need to be a stressor.
Plan C: Keep my thoughts positive and confident.
STRESSOR 6: I have too much to do and I'm not getting it done and I'm not being productive enough in my days
Plan A: I will make a plan for my days so that I know that I can get all done that I need to get done.
SO, TODAY'S PLAN:
9am - 10:45am -------- Drink Coffee, Eat breakfast, Become unstressed by journaling (this blog), take advil (leg), make meal plan, read (yes, that's an hour and 45 min allotted to nothingness haha) (complete)
10:45am - 11:45am --------Walk (Complete - except I ended up running 6 miles instead of walking.... no self control, no self control - lol. I know, I can't make this a habit... but it felt soooo good!!!! And it didn't hurt nearly as much as it did a few days ago).
11:45am - 12:15 --------Do strength exercise stuff (Complete)
12:15 - 1 ------- Pack car with moving stuff (Complete) + call my friend Bern back (Complete)
1 - 1:30 ------------Eat lunch in a calm way (Complete)
1:30pm - 3pm---------Move stuff that I put in car to new apartment, drive back to original apartment (Complete)
3pm - 3:30pm -----Shower, change into work clothes (Complete)
3:30 - 4:30----------Call Gretchen back, Call Lauren back, eat snack, take advil (leg) respond to emails, change address online, change location that I'm taking GRE (did not happen)
4:30 - 5:00---------Pick up dinner + drive to work (Complete - well, I packed dinner)
5:00 - 9:00 --------Work at frozen yogurt store (Complete)
9:00 - 9:40-------Buy turkey + drive home (Complete)
9:40 - 10:00 ----Pajamas, make plan for tomorrow (Complete)
10:00 - midnight---relax (cut things out of magazines, read magazines, listen to music), eat snack, blogs, heating pad (leg)
okay I feel better.
oh geez. i am a freak of nature hahahaha ....... okkkiiiiieeeeeeee. now i'm in a good mood again. see? freaky wacko! i tell ya!
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might i suggest that your 9:00 to 10:45 is not devoted to "nothingness", rather, it is a time for important self-care activities that will give you a good start to your day! You deserve that time and there is nothing wrong with you taking it!
ReplyDeleteMaybe steer clear of the scale for now. I really like the idea of the collage; maybe i will do one too!
I actually thought about that after I wrote "nothingness." Yes, I did steer clear of the scale for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll weigh myself. For today, I just needed to know that I didn't have to be scared of the scale - that decreased a lot of anxiety.
ReplyDeleteHey! Hope you're doing okay. I'm trying to type softly as my parents sleep about 4 feet from me.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot going on. I understand how frustrating it must be not to be able to run and release too. I know it's nearly impossible but you're doing a good job.
Keep the lists coming if need be. I hope your day today is a bit less stressful. Try to enjoy this beautiful weekend.