Bike riding

Just for fun, that is a picture of my family's dog.

Biking today was awesome! It made my life so much fun! And I love wind. Now I'm afraid that I won't like running as much when I am allowed to return to it (hopefully soon!) because you don't get the breeze-effect when you run.

I biked 9 miles to the fro yo store. Then worked. It was incredibly slow until the last 30 min of working. Then I biked 3 miles ( I think) to dinner. Purchased 2 books at a bookstore while I waited (I arrived early). Ate dinner with my friend. And biked 12 miles home. All while wearing my backpack filled with a laptop (I have to be able to blog/IM while at the fro yo store! hello!), a cord, a sweat shirt, a magazine, 3 books, a wallet, and 2 pens, oh and a screw driver (in case my bike breaks), and a phone.

Good thing I brought the screw driver! Because the gears got messed up and I had to stop to fix them. I have NO IDEA how to fix bikes. I can just barely change a light bulb. but my dad does. And he has good communication skills. So I called him via cell phone on the side walk, And he's all like, "Okay, do you see a silver rectangular thing with 2 screws." (yes, dad... i mean, it's actually a circle but...) "Okay so you mean, no, you don't see it. You see a circle. It is a rectangle - and silver." (Okay, I see it. I mean, it's black and made of wires) "R-E-C-T-A-N-G-L-E.... S-I-L-V-E-R." (Okay let me look.... um,.... oh does it have two screws?!) "Yes. those are adjustable screws." (As if I know what that means) (Okay, got it... adjustable screws. now what?) "You need to move the screws with the screwdriver so that the silver recangle thing moves outwards toward the pedal and pushes the chain into the middle gear." (okay.... hang on.... oh! it's moving! thanks, Dad!) So, now I know how to fix bikes.

Then, later.... I have to stop again... I call my dad... "Dad, the handlebars shifted downwards so now the breaks are above my knuckles and they touch my wrist/forearm if I stand up on my pedals. How do I move them away?" He says, "Push them away." I say, "Push the handlebars with the screwdriver?" He says, "No, take your hands. Grab the handlbars. and twist them away from you." (ooooh... hey! they're fixed!) Then he says, "Now, take a screw out of your backpack." (um, I don't carry a freaking toolbox! Just a screwdriver!) He says it's missing a bolt and I need to put a screw in it once I get home. Riiiighttttt. How I just wait until he visits and he can put the screw in it. Until then, I'll just keep shifting/pushing/twising the handlebars back into place.

Anyway, I was so happy while riding that sometimes I was laughing to myself. And I had to stop myself so as not to be a total freak.

I just love movement. Movement of all forms. Not true. I hate biking in mountains. But I love gymanstics, acrobatics, diving, running, trampolines, dancing, soccer.... I even love pacing! Some peopel get seasonal depression; I think I get no-moevement-depression. Activeness makes me feel great. I'm getting to the point where I'm able to look at my reflection, hate it, shrug and move on with my day. This is helping me stay active because - before - when I hated my body I jsut felt paralyized - like I should be confined to a room and not move until I have a better body. Now, I move regardless. And it always makes me feel better. It also helps that I'm allowed to exercise (wasn't allowed to for a little over a year according to the nutritionist and that sucked! Although she is milking this "no running allowed" thing for all it's worth. She thinks it's great that I can't run now and I can "focus on food.")

Speaking of focusing on food.... I think that is exactly what I don't need to do. Until very recently (like until this week), I called the nutritionist every night to check in (Hi, I ate this and this and this and this and tomorrow I will wake up and have this and this and this and this). And that was super helpful for me for a really long time. But, in the last couple of weeks, I feel like it's going to throw me off if I have to make those calls. It's like, I don't want to end my day with a food report - I just want to live! So I haven't called her this week b/c I didn't want to. I didn't call her last week b/c my familyw as in town. I used to rely on daily check ins - now I don't even want them.

Food was fine today. At one point I didn't know what to do b/c I was hungry and didn't feel like I should eat a snack - but also knew it's not okay to remain hungry. It was like I wanted to eat a snack but I wanted to feel allowed to eat a snack and I didn't feel allowed. But that was just b/c I was starting to overthink everything. Then I remembered if I'm hungry I can eat. And it doesn't need to turn into a frenzy of guilt ridden eating. I can eat slowly and stop when I no longer feel a tinge of hunger. So that's what I did. It ended up being about 6 slow and savored bites of fro yo topped with a layer of almonds.

I'm so glad I don't calorie count anymore. Dinner would have sucked tonight and I'd be going crazy right now if I were still calorie counting. I'd be going crazy b/c I would have overestimated calories and ended up at 4,000 or something. How do you count 4 fried green beans, 1 slice of pizza crust the size of 1/4 a dinner plate brushed with olive oil and topped with Parmesan cheese, and about 40% of my salad (no dressing) that had small bite-size pieces of grilled chicken, tomato, hard boiled egg? When you can go off your body it's so much easeir. What do I feel like eating? Let yourself enjoy every bite until you no longer want bites b/c you are satisfied. I know I ate enough and, yet, didn't overeat. So it's fine. Probably the nutritionist will say, "Oh good, I'm so glad you had that experience! Let's make a goal for you to go to a restaurant this week and order something that's not possible for you to count calories for and let yourself get actually full - not just 'not hungry.'"

As long as I never have to put on real clothes ( I live in exercise clothes), I can pretend that my body isn't as big as it is. I have size x clothes that I last wore in the mid of june. If I fit into those it wouldn't be so bad, but I am so scared to try them on. This alwyas happens to me. I start to feel like ther'es no way I'll fit into my clothes - so I stop wearing them. Usually at some point I try them on and I do fit. Anyway - the evolved me woudl try them on and, if they didn't fit, she'd shrug and be patient and her self esteem wouldn't plummet as a result of it. So that's what I'm going to do.

oh - at physical therapy - it's a really exercise focused place - and after they do tissue work (massaging knots out, etc.) you exercise for about an hour and a half. and they call it "Evolve or Die." They say, go do your "Evolve or Die Routine." And I say, "I think I'll just Evolve" There's this one exercise where I have to hold this pose for 40 seconds. And last time the guy was like, "okay, one more set of 40 seconds." And I was like "No, it's 44 seconds. Last rep I cheated and quit after 36 seconds so now I need to do 44." And he goes, "you're one of those people. Always feeling guilty. Always compensating." I smiled and was like "you have no idea." He didn't get it of course - but I was referring to always feeling guilty after eating (ALWAYS!) and always feeling the need to compensate for it (more so in the past than now).

And I biked home.

And I ate the crust of 5 - 7 slices of bread. I know... I have issues lol. I have crust issues.

Plan for tonight: shower, curl up and read my book (SO EXCITED! I FREAKING LOVE READING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), go to sleep whenever I feel like it.

Plan for tomorrow:
Bike to Physical therapy leave at 6:45am
Attend physcial therapy 730 - 9:30
Bike to old apartment
Clean laundry room with former :( roommate
Talk to long lost friend form high school on phone
Bike home
Get americorps paper work signed
Meet my dad for dinner (he's in town for a meeting and is just staying for a night)

But, since he's staying for a night - you know what that means.... HIDE THE EATING DISORDER LITERATURE IN MY ROOM, NO BLOGGING, NO MEASURING CUPS ALLOWED IN THE DISHWASHER (dont want him to suspect i was using them - which i wasn't!), NO WRITING IN MY FOOD JOURNAL, NO CALLING THE NUTRITIONIST.... ALL EVIDENCE OF EATING ISSUE MUST VANISH.

This past march he called my nutritionist and therapist for the first time. Then he took a day off work to browse National Eating Disorder Association website, read Life Without Ed, and read a few other books as well (Full Lives, and I forget which other ones). Then I told him I don't have any food issues. And he said, "Well, honey, you do." And I said, "Dad! Stop it!" And he said, "ARe you going into denial again?" (Um.... maybe there was some denial at some point on my part but he's the one who told me "it's a phase" for several years and never mentioned anything to me besides "I'd like you go to a sleep doctor and a gynecologist." He's a real sweet guy though. He always tells me I look beautiful and "great" and "fantastic" and makes me feel amazing for no reason in particular).


wahooo i'm so excited to read my book! (<--can you tell this is one of those nights when I have like hyper amounts of energy.) Talk to you tomorrow, folks! oh - saw a good magnet today at Sur La Table (oh em gee I want to live in that store. They have the coolest spatulas... anyway...). The magnet said, "EVER NOTICE HOW 'WHAT THE HELL?' IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT ANSWER?'' And, also just for fun. This is a picture of when I was.... 12? 11? 13? I have no idea... On a bike. This is not how I rode around town today, but I wish it was! This is also not my street. I'm not entirely sure where this is. Maybe it was just on some street while on a bike ride..? And ignore my scary face. I feel like I should delete it but since it's of me when I was younger I feel better posting it. And plus, I love when other people post photos so I should muster up the courage too.


***UPDATE: I totally slept through my alarm and missed physical therapy. I rescheduled for 2pm. In the mean time, cleaning old apt, americorps paper work, grocery shopping


Also, I slept ate last night. I ate my last left over stuffed pepper (which means I ate a mix of mostly ground turkey with veggies and some rice - the amount that fits inside a pepper). I could be wrong - tell me what you think? - but I think I slept ate b/c I was hungry and had not responded to my hunger in the evening. (So I responded to it in the middle of the night). This is why I think I must have been hungry:

1) I ate the crust of the bread in the evening because I was hungry but not truly allowing myself a normal looking snack. If I had felt "allowed" to eat, I would ahve eaten something other than crust. I might have just toasted a slice ofb read. I would ahve made a small salad. Had oatmea. Anything. But, because I wasn't feeling "allowed" to eat, I ate something weird (crust) So the fact that I ate crust tells me I was hungry but denying myself actual normal food.

2) When I went to bed, I felt weak/hungry as I walked to my bed but didn't care - I was just like "It's 12:30. I'm tired." And instantly fell asleep. I blamed the weak/hungry feeling on being tired from biking a lot. Looking back, the weak/hungry feeling was probably actual hunger.

3) I ate at an incredibly fast pace! I have no recollection of walking to the kitchen, but I do actually remember eating the stuffed pepper. I was eating it furiously fast as if I couldn't get it in me fast enough. I remember wishing more could fit in my mouth at once. I remember eating it as if I was desperate to eat it. I wanted to eat it all instantly. My pace was crazy! I don't normally eat THAAAT fast - I have fast-eating moments but this one stands out. I think when you eat that fast, it must be because you're hungry.

4) And I also remember noticing afterwards that I wasn't even full. So, if you eat and then you're not full, you must have been hungry to begin with.

So, at least it was just the inside of a stuffed pepper. Could have been worse (and probably would have been worse if I actually owned food). And since it was due to hunger I guess I'm okay with it. And I woke up mildly hungry this morning. I already ate breakfast - oatmeal.