My dad visited

My dad came last night, and I really enjoyed his company. He made a few eating-issue-related comments that took me by surprise (as he isn't usually so blunt).

After he got here, we just hung out for a bit in my apartment, talking, drinking iced water.

Soon after, we went to eat in a cute little mini-downtown strip that's about 2 miles from me. We decided before hand that we would eat Indian or Thai because we both love those cuisines. We ended up at a Thai restaurant and sat outside. The meal was big and also delicious. If I could never get full or never gain weight, I would have eaten my dinner times 30. So flavorful! What is up with American food and the relative lack of flavor?

If my eating is judged by how "normal" it looks, then I think I did okay at dinner. I don't think anyone would have thought "woah there, she's eating too much." Nor would anyone have said, "Um, is she going to eat just that?" Still - it was a lot - but I don't feel like over thinking it or having it affect my eating today.

We ordered Thai Samosas (fried thin triangles filled with veggies and curried potato with some kind of peanuty dipping sauce). I told my dad that it was the best food I had tasted in a long, long time. Seriously -they were delicious! We also ordred Panang Curry with Tofu on Brown Rice and Pad Thai.

Normally I stop eating for 1 of 2 reasons. Either I have already eatened my pre-determined portion and so I stop with no regard to my fullness level or I "lose control" and eat as if I've never before tasted food and stop because I've become so, so full. The second scenario hasn't happened very much recently - it normally happens when trying to prove a point to someone that I don't have an ED or it happens when I've been overly restricting for a period of time. Last night, however, I noticed that I had stopped eating and was just talking with my dad. There was about 4 bites left on my plate; I was satisfied; and I had stopped eating without noticing! It was like I didn't notice until after the fact that I had stopped eating. Like it was a natural, easy, obvious decision to stop eating. There was no internal debate about when I would stop eating, no reminding myself that I've decided to stop eating, no judging how much would be acceptable to eat ---- I just ---- stopped. And when I stood up, I could tell that I wasn't stuffed. I could feel the food in my stomach, but I wasn't overly full - I could have started dancing or jogging without feeling sick (that level of full). So I think that was a good experience.

Despite the good exeprience, body image was bad as I put on a pair of pants that I wore last week and they are seriously tighter. But I just don't have the willingness to beat myself up or hate life because of it anymore. I don't have the willingness to be "strict" with myself in order to make my pants lose again. I want to have the willingness, but I just don't. I thought last night, "I should start calorie counting again." And then I thought, "I don't want to just think in terms of exercise and calories though.... I don't want to do that..." Sometimes I think, "I really should be a little more strict. I'm being way too leniant with myself." And then I think, "Yeah, I should be a little more strict but I really don't feel like it. Maybe one day I'll feel like it. Okay, I'l try to make healthy choices but I really just don't feel like putting effort into losing weight." I haven't felt like this - ever. Ever before. I dont' know if I like feeling like this or not (mostly I don't) - but I'm just kind of indifferent and it's how I feel.

My dad made some ED related comments. I'll just list them:

1) So - for the record - my hair is naturally gigantic. As in, if I take it out of a pony tail, it will naturally puff up into an almost-afro. If I don't condition it every day, it turns into dreads. If you use a normal looking pony tail holder, the pony tail holder bursts - I have to use extra thick/strong pony tail holders. Probably, if I fell on my head, my hair could act as a helmet and cushion the fall. My hair is huge and crazy with a mind of its own! I got this hair from my dad, btw. However, apparently due to "lack of adequate nutrition," my hair became very thin. It didn't turn into an afro anymore. It didn't get tangled in 5 seconds. It didn't require extra thick pony tail holders - a normal (even extra tiny) pony tail holder would do just fine. In addition, my eyelashes became thin. A lot of them fell out and, honestly, my eyes just looked strange. I would wear eyeliner to try to cover up the fact that I had so few eyelashes. While we were walking to dinner, the following conversation happened:

MY DAD: (grabbing my pony tail with his hand) Wow! Do you feel how big your hair has become?! Look, you're using the thick rubber bands again! Your hair is so thick again!

ME: I know, it's weird. My hair is all of the sudden huge like in high school.

MY DAD: It wasn't like this when you came home for mom's birthday even!

ME: Yeah, I know - my hair is changing all within the last three weeks. REally quickly. It's so strange.

MY DAD: It's because you're getting healthier. Your eyelashes look great too. (notice indirect mention of ED)

ME: Thanks.(not knowing what else to say. We don't really talk abou this type of stuff usually)

MY DAD: I'm so glad you're getting healthier. I wasn't sure if your hair would be able to return to its previous state. Do you remember how thin it was? It was so thin! And falling out!

ME: I always just assumed it got flatter and thinner because I stopped going through puberty.

MY DAD: (laughing) Well, you did - prematurely (indirect reference to my period stopping).

ME: Dad!

MY DAD: Anyway, it didn't get thin from that. It was because you got unhealthy.

ME: I dunno.

MY DAD: Well, I'm glad your hair is returning to it's natural, healthy state.

ME: Thanks. Although it's so huge again that I never know what to do with it. It's like, "Oh my gosh, hair, get off of me for a second. You're in the way!" Maybe I should shave my head.

MY DAD: Yeah, awful idea. No head shaving allowed.

ME: No balding allowed.

......... (we have dinner, time passes, we are now back in my apt)....

MY DAD: You seem and look just great! So much healthier (what is this with his usage of the word 'healthier' over and over again)

ME: I've started listening better to J and the nutritionist. (I've never been this direct with anything eating related to him)

MY DAD: Good! Good! Good! Well you are beautiful and you look so much more alive I just can't get over it! And I'm so glad your hair is back! That is a great thing.

ME: Yeah the hair is back, but I also got really fat.

MY DAD: Oh give me a freakin' break.

ME: I did. Dad, I am almost overweight.

MY DAD: You are not! You are a slender person! And if you see anything different when you look in the mirror then you need to go to a psychiatrist and I'm calling J/nutritionist again.

ME: Dad, you don't know weights. I am almost overweight. But it's okay. I don't mind anymore.

MY DAD: Well, that's great that you don't mind. But it's not even true!

ME: Okay

MY DAD: It's not! You spend this effort to "not mind" but there's not even anything to mind in the first place!

ME: Mabye not.

MY DAD: But you are missing the facts here - you are not anywhere close overweight! You can't possibly see that when you look in the mirror. Are you freakin' kidding me?! Why don't you see that you are slender? You are slender and beautiful.

ME: Ok, thanks.

MY DAD: You are

ME: Thanks

MY DAD: I think you need an eye transplant. haha. Do they have those? Eye transplants? Or maybe you need a brain transplant. You have never seen yourself as slender even as a kid and you are.

ME: I beleive you!

(quick note to say that this may sound like we're arguing but we're not)

MY DAD: No you don't

ME: Well, I believe that you believe waht you're saying.

MY DAD: I wish I could give you my eyes. Or anyone else's eyes for that matter and tell you to go look in the mirror.

ME: No, I believe you.

MY DAD: Oh, you are crazy...but.... you do have my genes... so... sorry!

ME: laughing - it's okay. Other good things came from the genes too.

MY DAD: I think you got the best and the worst of our genes.

ME: I think so too.

Anyhow - that was a type of conversation we definitely would not have had before. I don't know where that level of bluntness (even though it was still kind of indirect) and honesty came from.