Processing it all part 1 (Imagining Teaching)

Hm... I haven't blogged in a few days. And it's not because I'm not thinking anything. In fact, I've been thinking a lot it just seems too daunting or intimidating to write about it all. But I know it will be helpful to do so - it'll be calming, it'll organize my thoughts, and it'll be a nice record to have. So I will begin the "thinking out loud" process here by beginning to write. I have 45 min before I have to leave to go to physical therapy and I still have to eat breakfast and get dressed. I know I won't have time to write everything so I'll just try to blog frequently - maybe multiple times today even. This is mostly for me to sort through my own thoughts so if you're not following, I totally understand.

(before i begin i must get coffee - brb)
(okay I got coffee but I'm really seriously too hungry to think right now so I'm going to eat breakfast then write - brb - nvm i'll eat after this)

You know - I'm feeling great this summer. I'm feeling "free" (from eating rules, from self-criticism, from food guilt, from body hate). I feel like I am returning to my old self (pre-eating-issue-era). I feel energetic and exuberant and connected to the world. So why is it that even though I feel this way, every time I talk to J or Tracy (nutritionist) I end up feeling like a crazy person who is a mess?

I wanted to talk about teaching with J. Should I teach? Should I not teach? WHAT DO I DOOOOOO?!?!?! She seemed to think this really isn't that big of a deal. She was willing to talk about it for a while but she had other ideas of how to spend our hr and 40 min (they are double sessions). (Woah. almost just spilled my coffee all over my computer). She told me that whether or not I teach, I will be okay either way. I'm not sure though. I'm not sure I will be okay if I teach. I told her that, although I've taught for 2 school years and 1 summer, I still cannot imagine myself in the classroom. I can imagine myself walking down the sidewalk, being an adult, grocery shopping, paying bills, interacting with others. I can imagine myself in lots of situations - even very unlikely ones. I can imagine myself being president even (I do not want to be president). My point of tell you this is to say that I do not have a problem with imagining. My imagination works just fine. However, when I try to imagine myself in the classroom.... I can't. I can't get a picture in my head. I can picture the classroom, but I can't get the lights to turn on in the image I have in my head. In real life, I know I turn the lights on every day, but in my imagination, my classroom has no lights. In addition, I'm a pretty strict (not mean though) teacher and am anal about trash on the floor. If a student throws litter on the floor (which happens approximately once every three seconds), I make them pick it up. If the floor is messy, we'll pick it up until it's not messy even if that makes us late to lunch. That's in real life. But when I try to imagine the classroom, there is litter all over the floor. AND I CAN'T GET THE FLOOR CLEAN in my imagination. There is litter and the lights are off and I can't seem to change that. My brain just won't change it. In addition, when I imagine myself walking down a sidewalk, I can imagine a skip in my step, my arms out stretched, greeting all who I pass. I mean, I can imagine a sort of.... command I have of myself and of the world (does that make sense?) But that same sort of energy doesn't translate over to the classroom. And it's not just that I can't imagine mysef "in command" of the classroom. It's not just that I can't imagine myself with my arms out stretched..... IT'S THAT I CAN'T IMAGINE MYSELF AT ALL IN THE CLASSROOM. When I try to imagine mysefl in the classroom, I literally cannot get an image of myself in there. I will consciously tell my brain, "okay, insert yourself into the messy, dark classroom now." And soemtimes I'll see myself for a milisecond but then I disappear. I just CANNOT picture myself in the room.

okay - this is a start

I'm starving. I have to go eat. Here's my plan for today:
--eat breakfast
--bike to physical therapy
--do physical therapy (read: get butt kicked)
--bike back from physical therapy
--drive to physical therapy to bring the physical therapists fro yo (I have fro yo to bring them but I want to bike there, which means i'll have to drive there later to give it to them. I can't bike and carry fro yo.)
--eat lunch
--blog again to think through everything
--go to a meeting at the school district's office to talk about long term plans for algebra this year (yeah, school related meeting......as;ldkfja;ldfj;aslkjfalsdkjfds)
---blog again to think through everything
--PACK dinner
--work at frozen yogurt store and ACTUALLY eat dinner tonight. not eating dinner last night is probably why I'm starving now. My coworker totally called me on it too. He is so interested in "Eating disorders," which I told him I do not have. He, however, proceeded to tell me, "I know you want to be done with it. But you're not." He is a sweet guy and surprises me with how perceptive he is. I used to write calorie numbers on the palm of my hands. In 6+ years, no one has ever seen it. No one. Well, for the first time since early June, I wrote a calorie number on my hand yesterday. And he saw it! The first person in 6+ years to see it. I thought no one sees anything you write on the palm of your hand. I didn't tell him what it was and I'm not sure he knew what it was, but I think he suspected it was something "bad." Then he said, "let's go to Taco Bell. If you go to Taco Bell we can quickly tripple your calorie intake for today. Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that. Now you'll never go - lol." But seriously - NO ONE comments on any sort of "eating issue" or "eating disorder" lately.... so how did he, someone I just met this summer... become so perceptive?

okay

food!!!!