update from last post

Update inspired from Sarah's and D's comments:

I guess, if I'm being honest (and what a better place to be honest than on a blog, right?).....

I do want the help.

I do want a little recovery boot camp boost.

I am scared and nervous about it.

But those fears (weight gain... becoming fat... becoming "my set point" which might be fat, you never know.....) are irrational.

I know that the part of me that is resisting, the part of me that is minimizing... that part of me is not rational.

What I really want is to have more support.

But I don't want to choose it. I can't get myself to say out loud, "I want more support."

But that is what I want.

I don't want to tell my parents that its what I want.

I want them to tell me its what they want me to do.

I do not think I am in a bad place physically.

I know I'm not, in fact.

But I do know that if I keep going like this, I could be.

Also, I know that if I keep going like this, eventually it'll trigger bingeing and then I'll end up overweight.

I also know it's not about weight.

It's a/b the fact that I've been eating too little, and it's not getting better.

I wonder why I won't just do it?

Why won't I just do it by myself?

I get SO ANGRY with myself about that.

I guess I do want help.

I just don't know how to say it.

So I say it by screaming and crying to my parents on the phone (um, tonight...)

I don't want my mom to come up...

not just because I don't want her to make me eat (which is true)

not just beceause I don't want to feel watched (which is true)

but also becasue I'm afraid my parents think the whole thing will be solved by them moving in with me for a few days.

And I want them to GET IT more than that.

I want them to UNDERSTAND brains of ED people.

I want them to think this is a problem.

I want them to realize I haven't utterly failed... but I do need a big push.

I have fears about going to the program, and I'm just gonna be honest a/b them right now - no matter how horrible they sound.

I don't want to gain weight by the time Willow comes to visit at the end of April.

I don't want to gain weight by the time I go to a wedding in July and another in August.

So, let me just stay this exact weight until July and August

(And yes, I do hear the insanity in my voice).

I talked to my parents tonight - TOUGH conversation. It was basically 40 min of me sobbing and screaming at them, and a 20 min more rationale conversation. I don't know why I was so upset with them. It's like, they talked to Jane tonight... and I guess I'm mad because I feel like NOTHING happened as a result of the conversation. Like, my parents are all just like, "Honey you should tell us." and "Honey we love you." and "Honey it'll be okay and we'll work through this," And they always use the pronoune WE. and I want to be like "WE" will work through this?! No, this isn't you doing anything... this is just me and.... And, also, I hate how they just play it off as if love will cure all. I have to stop typing, it's making me PISSED OFF. But I know they love me and they just don't know what to do.

I guess I just wish they 1) Understand that my habits are bad right now and 2) Understood EDs a bit more.

I want my parents to GET IT.

I told them that.

I told them I appreciated them caring, but that I just wish they understood the way Jane does.

That probably hurt their feelings.

I told them I wish they just KNEW STUFF.

Like, I wish instead of responding by saddling up on their horse and moving in with me...

I wish they'd instead treat Jane like the professional she is and listen to her.

Instead, Jane told them she thought we should have a family meeting and they told me, "What's the point of that?"

I wish they would learn from Jane.

I wish they would learn from other sources.

I told them this tonight, and they said they'd learn.

They asked me what it's like to be eating disordered.

I told them I just like being hungry.

I told them that, when I'm hungry, I want to stay hungry.

They said, "Funny because, for us, when we're hungry for too long, we panic and want food badly."

They asked me what I liked about being hungry.

I told them it just felt... better... in control....better.

My dad says, "Sounds like the way you feel when you exercise a lot too."

Maybe?

I dunno about that.

So, here's the bottom line:

I know this is not going in a good direction.

I know it's bigger than me and some additional support would be good.

I do want it.

I am not underweight (I'M ACTUALLY NOT).

I am not medically unstable.

But it's going nowhere good.

And I don't wnat to be like this.

I want to be one of those people who eats when they're hungry and stops when they're full.

I want to be a person who doesn't get tied down or held back by food.

oh, sad.

But I do.

And I can be.

But right now it would be helpful to have some additional support.

And I know that.

I just can't say it anywhere but here, on this blog.

I could agree to it if tracy, jane, and my parents all wanted it.

So, I do want the help.

I would prefer IOP than parents moving in.

But i have to ask myself: Would living with parents be just as effective? Or not?

Seems like not

But I don't know....

Anyway, I do want the help, I just hate this "in between" stage of "you should get more help but we don't know what that help will look like, when it will come, where it will be, etc." I don't like this transition stage. I just want something to either happen (like I go to an iop thing) or I want everyone to forget that it's even a problem. But this in between thing is a killer.

So, I do want the additional support.

I just don't know how to say that out loud.