I know my mom is loving.
I know I'm lucky to have her as my mom.
I know tons of other people wish their mom would/could drop her life and come visit.
I know I'd rather her fly up to be with me than say "you need to just get over this."
I know , I know, I know..
STILL......
I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT HER TO COME.
Because:
a) I'll eat to avoid drama, and I don't want to eat.
b) I won't eat and there will be drama
c) My apartment is messy and she'll see it.
d) She'll see that I need to get a smog test and what if she's mad at me that I haven't gotten it yet?
e) She'll see that I have a ticket to pay that I haven't paid yet, and she might be mad at me
f) I have a lot of laundry to do
g) I have a lot of clothes on my bedroom floor and it's messy
I told her all of this and she just laughed at me. She goes, "Lucky for us, you have to work all day and I have nothing to do, so I'll get the smog test done." She also said, "Really, Laura? Do you think I care about how spic and span your apartment is?"
So I KNOW that I'm so lucky to have her.
How many moms have this reaction?
I kNOW....
BUT I DON'T WANT HER TO COME UP!!!
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE FED.
AND I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK SHE CAN SOLVE THIS ON HER OWN.
AND I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAD RIGHT NOW (hence my screaming and crying at my parents on the phone last night) and I don't know why I'm mad. I really don't. There must be something that triggers it, but I'm not sure what I feel.... but right now it feels like anger.
And I don't want to eat.
But I'm going to go to work.
And if I don't eat
Coworkers will say something
So do I just decide that I don't freaking care what anyone thinks anymore? And just let them get mad at me for not eating while I sit silently, not talking? Do I do that?
Or do I eat to diffuse drama - but hate it?
Seriously... plan B: Move to MArs.
because, really, I just feel like sitting on the floor and staring... and everyone can go talk a/b whatever they want, and they can make plans for me, and tell me what they think is best.... and I just dont' have any energy left. I am completely drained right now. and I don't want to talk a/b it, think a/b it... I don't want to have to "explain myself" to anyone else. I don't really just want to be ignored.... but I feel like saying that I do.
I don't want to be resistant
I'm tired
I'll just do whatever people say
I don't even know.
I have no more thoughts.
off to work.
Sending peaceful and calm vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteYour that way because you have no energy. Your mom is not trying to fix you, she's trying to support you. Oh and hey, just a thought, all the drama might be coming from your ED, it doesn't want to be fixed. It thinks things are just fine as long as you don't eat.
ReplyDeleteWho lives there Laura or ED? Who is the important one there Laura or ED?
I say GO LAURA!
It's great that your mum cares so much, yet at the same time I can understand your anxieties about having her there. I think parents like to think they can fix any problem for their kids, even something as complex as an eating disorder. Maybe her presence will help...maybe it won't. Could you maybe talk to someone about this, perhaps Jane?
ReplyDeleteIf this situation is carefully planned/managed, you can use it to help your recovery as best you can.
Please don't use not eating to try and cope with the stress, food will give your brain the energy it needs to process all this new information, which in turn will stop it from overwhelming you.
Try to keep calm and focused, and keep the recovery goal in the forefront of your mind.
Stress-relief hugs!
Sarah x
hun, when I read this post and I put myself in your position, if I'm already scared of food and losing control, the issue for me would be having someone there you love, that you may get angry at because they want to take that control away and it scared the crap out of me. So scary in fact that I would be shaking and heart pounding terrified. That yesterday it wasn't as real as it is today. The fact that you are letting your mum come up is good, even though you don't want it. I can imagine how scary and real this suddenly is for you. I think you are brave, even though you're scared. If you start to feel out of control, stop for just a moment, close your eyes and focus on your breath. I find focusing on the breath through the nose the best way. Cold air in, warm air out. If you have a bath, maybe try and have a bath if not a hot shower! I know I hated it when I was told those things, but if you can have a mindful minute, you might feel more in control. If you have to go minute by minute, second by second, to get you through!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah
It's been far too long since I've commented, but I've caught up on all of your posts now.
ReplyDeleteI'm worried about you. BUT don't you dare say sorry for causing worry. We haven't met in person, but I would consider us friends - and friends worry about each other sometimes. That's just the way things are.
I'm glad your Mom is there. She might not understand fully, but she sounds very loving and supportive, and I think you need that right now. And it might help her if you tell her how to help you. You said, in one of your posts, that you do want help - but you don't know how to say it out loud. What if you wrote her a note or a letter? And you can also warn her, in the letter, that you will probably try to get away with things like not finishing your meal or finding a way out of it altogether, but that what you actually need is for her to be persistent and not to let you get away with it.
As for treatment options...I don't know the answer either. It's obvious that you need a more structured sort of support system, but whether in- or out-patient, with or without moving back home - I don't know. But I would say that money shouldn't be a factor. This is your health - and a very big part of it. I can't think of anything else worth more than that.
And as a side-note, I hope you're at least taking some sort of vitamins if you're not eating. When I wasn't eating much, the vitamins actually made me nauseated when I took them on an empty stomach, so I'd suggest taking them just before bed, maybe with a gravol. They aren't much and you can't live off vitamins, but at least it'll take care of some of your body's needs.
And another note...I know you don't think you're at an unhealthy weight, but I'm going to politely suggest that you might just not realize it, or might be denying. ED has a horrible way of distorting things, after all. You've posted a couple pictures since I've started following your blog, and your most recent ones show a far skinnier Laura than the first ones I saw. Your cheekbones were particularly prominent. I know you found that hard to believe when your coworkers, etc., were saying that, but I could see it in the pictures too. I'm not saying you need to gain weight (mainly because I'm sure that would send you into a panic), but I will say that you have DEFINITELY lost weight and you need to start eating more.
Take care of yourself. You have fought this too long to give in now.
Its ok to be scared sweetie, its just that your scared because your being forced to face this and you dont feel ready.
ReplyDeleteDont forget that the reason your feeling this way is that you are in a internal battle with ana. Your fighting for your right to happiness and life. Dont let ana win you deserve better than that.
Again what is the worst thing that could happen from you stabilizing your eating habits?
No one says you have to gain a ton of weight i believe that the goal here is to take the obsession out of the picture, and just help you get to a point where your no longer governed by your fear of healthy weight gain.
What do you have to fear with letting go of ana. Does some part of you believe that ana has made you better or more valuable as a person? Do you believe that without ana you wouldn't remember who you are or know how to be?
Also remember that we tend to project, therefore that which we believe to be true, we convince ourselves that others could not possibly think otherwise. Projection is a powerful thing. So for example while you may think that others are going to think your a failure, or that your mom is going to get mad at you for not paying a ticket, the real truth is that other people will not have those reactions in all likelihood, and that in actuality you are feeling guilty for struggling with a disorder you are unable to rationalize yourself out of no matter how smart you are, or that your actually feeling guilty yourself and beating yourself up for not being able to keep up with your responsibilities, which may represent that your life is not under control in your mind, that you dont have your life organized in the way that you want to, therefore its proof of the fact that the disorder exists otherwise you probably would have already handled those things.
Alot of the emotional reactions that your having sound like a reaction to being forced to reckon with one of the biggest challenges of your life. Frankly im proud of you for how little you have fought jane as she has tried to help you, because most frequently whoever tries to help the person struggling with ED will end up fighting with that persons ana as they become the face of recovery. For instance my husband i fought for years as he tried to help me. So im proud of you because it shows that deep down inside you still know that you need this help.
Its ok to be scared, just dont run away from this, because it does matter more than anything else right now, and right now as your brain is being effected by the changing chemicals from lacking nutrition, your cognitive abilities may be slightly impaired causing you more emotions and stress and inability to make decisions than usual.
Much love and support always.
D
Oh, you sound like you are feeling so alone right now :(
ReplyDelete