This whole "let's keep Laura out of the loop about Laura" deal was SERIOUSLY irritating me.
Finally I realized, "Screw them. I'll just buy my own scale then."
I found out my weight today for real ... on an actual scale. I am glad I found it out. I'm DEFINITELY NOT THRILLED with my weight, but I'm glad that I at least know. I weighed myself this afternoon. My reactions are as follows:
- A general surge of fear through my body - but then I calmed down.
- I need to be careful about what I wear. I should start wearing a bunch of baggy things because I am FAT!
- I wonder if it's higher than normal today since I ate breakfast, lunch, snack and feel bloated, etc.
- Why does my body never lose weight?
- How come I weigh more than I did in the summer of 2007, but I can wear clothes from then? Oh, I guess because it's only a couple of pounds more.
- People have told me I'm losing weight and everyone is LYING. I do not like being lied to! I am mad!
- Hm, in the summer of 2007, I was following a meal plan - eating more than I am now. I guess if I ate more now, I wouldn't really gain weight. I could trust that. I'd like to eat more now. I'd feel better that way.
- how come my mom weighs less than me?
- I just have to give up on the idea of one day being a thin person again.
- Why is my natural weight so high? If I think about it... it's not high. It's just not bordering underweight...
- Even if my natural weight were 15 pounds heavier than this weight here... I'll have to learn to deal with that because I am not defined by my weight. Hm, so what am I defined by?
- I guess I am only 2 pounds higher than was a senior in high school... that's not so bad.
- I don't wear big sizes of clothing... that's okay. And if my sizes were any smaller, that would not be normal or okay.
- I don't mind maintaining this weight... and I bet I could maintain this weight even with eating more normally.
- I want to eat normally now. But I'm afraid to start eating normally before the program.
- The only thing stopping me from eating normally right now is the fact that I have to go to a program.
- If I start eating 3 meals a day (but continue to weigh myself daily), can I NOT go to a program?
- Going to the program is making it impossible for me to eat normally.
- I'm still super bitter that no one would tell me my weight. I feel untrusted.
- I feel like I can fix this eating disorder myself with access to this scale.
- I am totally willing to eat 3 meals now. But if I do that, then I'm not willing to go to a program.
- I want everyone to back off and back away. Everyone thought it'd be bad for me to know my weight. No one trusted me. Everyone made me believe that they had no idea what would happen with my weight if I started eating again. Well guess what everyone! IF someone had told me my weight, then I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU - based off my own history - WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WITH MY WEIGHT.
- I feel really annoyed, out of the loop, and untrusted.
- I know my weight, I'm glad I know my weight, I am coming to terms with it, and I feel like saying, "Ok, thanks everyone, but I can take it from here."
- This whole no one will tell me anything thing makes me SO ANGRY.
Bottom line: I really want to eat normally but I can't do that if I have to go to a program. Please can I not go to a program so that I can start eating better now?! Please?!?!?!!?!!!!!!
So, all and all, I think finding out my weight was a good thing.
I feel fine about it.
And I'll eat better again. For real.
But not if I have to go to a program.
Right now, I'm really mad at everyone (not you guys) -- just everyone including my parents. I feel like it's a lot of collaboration without anyone taking my opinion about myself into consideration.
Basically, what I realized was that none of this needs to be such a big deal. Now that I know my weight, I can resume normal eating.
I'm so annoyed at everyone (not you guys)..... I don't even know why. I want everyone to leave me alone so that I can eat like I want and I don't want to go to a program. Because, in a program, they're gonna keep everything secret too! And I can't stand being out of the loop about something that has to do with me!
**I hate this topic. I want it out of my life. I want people to stop talking to me about it. I wish no one knew. Maybe there isn't even a problem anyway. But, really, I just wish everyone would forget about it and drop the topic completely. I just want it to go away. Clearly I am totally irrational right now, because, as I write this paragraph, water is falling out of my eyes, and I don't even know what this is about **
Should I even go to a program or is this totally absurd?
hi babe, i can really connect with this post as i weighed myself for the first time in months and man did that eating disordered voice feed off the number it saw on the scale. my mind went into complete overdrive!
ReplyDeletewhen you make your decision about the programme try and listen to the true you, the tru soul, it knows best, dont listen to the ED. if that makes sense. i know its hard to block it all the time, but for important decisions i try to really search within the true me. sending you light and serenity x
Hi, I have never commented before, but read your blog. What you have written is so very rational in the eyes of a ed patient. A lot of the same thoughts ran through my head when i was weighed. Mine is the opposite though... my Dietitian is very, very insistent on me KNOWING my weight (in saying this, she is not at all focused on numbers). Her rational is that is is just a number. That it shouldn't dictate my choices. Its just a mathematical object. That I needed to be able to know a number, but still make the choices that are in my best interest. And at first I disagreed, because I thought that knowing the number would not be a good thing because no matter if it were more or less than i wanted, it still dictated my choices and never seemed 'right' or 'good enough' to me, regardless of what it was/is. But I have learnt that the number is not attached to anything. It doesn't define my health, my emotions, my happiness, how i go about my day, what i eat etc. It only has control over these things, if you let it. You are the one who controls how it makes you feel. Don't let it define who you are. No matter how much you try and fight the number, you'll never win. So don't enter into a battle with it in the first place.. outwit it by not giving it that power to define how good you are. Don't let it hold any of your values. Because in the time that i have been reading your blog, you have amazed me with your strength, your courage, how truthful you are about your feelings. You are working so very hard to get rid of this horrible disease and I am so happy that you are actively seeking recovery. You are a great person, and i hope that one day you will see just how valuable you really are.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the ramble! This is why I don't comment on many blogs... because I go off on a ramble and write a story or three!
Take care. Victoria x
It is not absurd to go on a program. I can totally understand the anxiety of wanting to know your weight, but remember that a number cannot and should not define you.
ReplyDeleteBefore I went into treatment, I thought that I should prepare by indulging in my eating disorder for just that little bit longer. Looking back this logic is absurd. If you want to recover, why wait, letting things get worse? This will make treatment more difficult, and is simply putting off the inevitable.
I think you have been doing a great job to try and make changes,and I love how honest and open you are about things, but maybe the priority should be recovery, rather than worrying too far ahead about a treatment program? Recovery is the most important thing, and it's ok to start as you mean to go on, and do it now, regardless of whether there is a program or not.
Eating 'normally' will not make you fat, and I think part of recovery is accepting that you have a natural body shape which probably won't be as thin as you'd like in a ideal world.
Sorry if that was a bit garbled or came across wrong - it's early morning, my brain is asleep! - I am just urging you not to put your recovery on hold based on whether or not you go to a treatment program. You deserve happiness and recovery now, and you don't need to make yourself sicker for treatment.
Sarah x
The scale is controlling. I think treatment is wise. I wrote you an email, I wonder if you got it? Im confused: are you going IP or IOP? [I keep asking because you know I am going through the same thing, it might be nice to have a friend going through the same thing at a similar time...we can freak out together...and get healthier!]
ReplyDeleteI do believe treatment is the best option and, while I understand that feeling of wanting to not eat normally before beginning it, that's only going to give others more reason to want you to go...so. Mmhmm.
Maybe the scale you got is not correct? Remember they are weighing you at the same time every on the same scale. And did learning your weight help you any?
ReplyDeleteI know it's tough but if your dog was sick you would take him to the vet right? This is just a quick little stop to help you get better. It is going to be an adjustment but you will come out feeling great!