Take Aways 4/29/10: Body Image, Decisions, "Ideal Man."

• Skinny is not the goal. Stand-out thin is not the goal. It is JUST FINE to look "normalish." There are some people who, when you look at them, you think, "Woah, she's skinny." I was that girl growing up (naturally - no ED involved here). And, however vain, it has remained a wish in the back of my mind to be a person that other people thought of as "thin." Today - and this might be a very rare day, but still - Today on several occasions, I caught a glimpse of my profile in a window. I didn't see a "skinny girl." I saw a "normal looking girl." And, instead of my head hanging low, I thought to myself, "yeah... Normal is just fine." So I questioned myself, "Why do I want to be known of as thin? Why is that what I want to be remembered by?" The answer to those questions I'm sure goes way back into comments made to me as a child like " aw, look at your tiny little body" and to my many years as a gymnast. But still, if I think about it... do I really want to be known of as a thin person? No. The answer is a quick NO. I want to be known for qualities that matter. So... the goal is not "skinny." The goal is not "be the thinnest person around." The goal is not "be thought of as a thin person." The goal is to be healthy, to be able to look at myself, see someone who looks just about normal - not stand out skinny - not stand out fat - and just smile at my reflection and say "yeah, looks about right... normal and right. (ps: at the Dr. today, I found out I gained 4.5 pounds in 1 week. Seriously. I told you I was trying to eat more. This happened with only one binge - and that binge occured on a day that I ate nothing for the previous 24 hrs. Somehow, I'm okay with this 4.5 pound weight gain.)

• The best way for me to handle eating disordered thoughts right now is to ignore them as opposed to "talk about them" and "process them" and "analyze them" and "share them" and "write about them." Nope, right now, it's best to just pretend the thoughts don't' even exist... to pretend I didn't even hear them. If I "tap in" to the guilt after eating, I end up feeling worked up, anxious, mad at myself, and in a frenzy. If I try not to focus on it and just move on throughout my day, I'm more successful. If I think about how my body COULD be smaller, then I become down on myself, mad at myself, etc. This is not helpful. When I just don't go down that thought path, the day is much better. Today, I ignored the "disordered thought path" pretty well. And, as a result, I was happier. (Except for the part when I cried in the doctor's office because I don't want to go to a program)

• DECIDING AND RE-DECIDING is not helpful. JUST DECIDE and move on. There are many decisions in life that you will not be absolutely sure of. So, we do our best, right? That's all we can do. So we decide, we hope for the best, and we move on. The best way to handle the decision about treatment centers is to just try to stop thinking about it.... to decide (even if I'm not sure my decision is right) and then to try to stop re-deciding. Try to just let the plans happen, close my eyes, and get myself there. If I think about it, I feel like a fraud for going. I feel like I'm "forced" to go. But if I don't go, I'll sadden and disappoint so many people. Plus, I can't think of a good reason not to go. So, I'll go. If I don't need it... If I go there only to find out I don't have an eating disorder... if I go there and it's horrible, I can leave. But if I go there and find it to be amazing and helpful and incredible, then I'll be glad I went. I can't think of a good reason to say "no," so I'm not exactly saying "yes," but I'm just letting it happen... So, in this situation, decisions are best made by just making them and then backing off and trying not to think about them again.

• Touch feels good - both being touched and giving touch. It feels good I have my head in Nicole's lap and she is stroking my shoulder. It feels good to play with Crissy's hair to relax her. It feels good give Mary a shoulder massage while she preps for a student. It feels good to have Liset crawl her fingers up and down my arm and then give me a hug good-bye. Touch is a way in which human connects. It feels good.

• My body would have felt better with some starch, some protein, and some fat (read: real meals and not just random things - vegetables and bits and pieces of candy is not the way my body feels best). The way I ate today isn't an effective weight loss technique. It's just unsatisfying and "Safe." I know that it's possible to eat more "Real food" without gaining weight. That should be what I aim for tomorrow.

• Sometimes, the eating disorder tells you that "no energy" is a good thing b/c it means you'er "good at restricting." This is absurd. ENERGY FEELS GOOD. I've had more energy lately as a result of eating more. It feels good to be able to run (even if just from my car to the door) and feel power and energy in the run.

• Being proud of people is a good feeling. I want to make sure the people I'm proud of know I'm proud of them. People need to feel affirmed in life. . Today I was proud of: Crissy and Nicole for making decisions that showed they valued themselves; of Joshua for learning to read "orange;" of Patrick for learning his vowel sounds; of Sara for being open with me; of Megan for learning how to write equivalent fractions.

• Feeling cared for is an incredibly good feeling. I hope the people I care about know that I care about them. Dr. E cares for me. Today I couldn't help it... She was taking my blood pressure and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop tears from just falling out of my eyes. I tried to stop it, but I couldn't. Dr. E put down her blood pressure thing, sat on the table next to me, rubbed my back and said, "What are you thinking?" I thought that was so nice of her. I was crying in this weird silent way because I felt like no matter what I do it's the wrong thing (if I eat, it's wrong; if I don't eat, it's wrong; if I go to a treatment center, I'm a fraud; if I don't go, people are sad; if I tell people I'm over the ED, they wont' believe me; if I go to a treatment center but still don't get over the ED, people will be mad;) she listened (as she always does. The appts always start out with us just talking and her writing in a notebook... talking a/b body image, about food intake, about how I'm feeling, etc.). she gave me tissues. She gave me a hug. I felt very cared for.

I'll leave you with this list that my friend Willow and I made of our ideal man. The one below is mine. I just, without thinking, stream-of-consciously spewed out qualities off the top of my head of my ideal man. This is what resulted:

Laura’s Perfect Man

• life of the conversation/life of the room

• takes me seriously

• tells me that they think I’m smart and capable

• funny

• loves kids/is good w/ kids

• cares about providing a stable future for me/my family

• tells me that they don’t care what I look like or weigh

• wants to seize the moment, while also not judging me for sometimes just wanting to relax

• spurs me to be up and about, doing things I enjoy doing

• values health

• encourages me to take care of myself and not think I’m “strong” for not taking care of myself

• is a very logical, rational thinker

• considers me silly and weird, but loves me for it anyway

• has hobbies of his own

• comfortable with himself

• gentle

• taller than me

• gets along well with my family

• assumes the best of people/is nice to others

• not pretentious; smart but doesn’t need to show off about it

• touches me in the way I want him to touch me (i.e., doesn’t hold my hand all the time)

• is energetic

Good listener

Good Talker

• Accepts gay marriage
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• Open-minded; is able to consider multiple sides
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• Eats dessert when he wants it
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• Does active things with me without making it competitive
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• Likes dogs

Likes to goof off sometimes

Is willing to dance even when embarassed

Drinks coffee

Things to look forward to tomorrow:

1. Jane is back!!!!!!!!!!!! (appt 11 - 12:30) (She went to a freakin' mindfulness workshop for a week!)
2. Quiet Day at work
3. Quiet evening by myself