The "Take Away" Series

I'm going to begin a series of posts - one per day (about) - that simply list the "take-aways" from that day. A "Take-Away" is something that I want to remember from that day. It could be a memory or a lesson learned. Sometimes I will supply context; sometimes I won't.

So, without further adieu...

Take Aways from Tuesday, April 27, 2010

• Sometimes, when I feel so bad (fat, full, fat), it is best not to talk about it, not to "process," but, rather, to distract myself by forcing myself into a social situation where I must connect with others who I don't know well enough to mope in front of and am therefore forced to converse and smile.

CONTEXT: Yesterday, I was feeling the type of bad when I don't even feel alive - when I find it hard to talk to people - when I feel like I'm living in a cloud - when I feel like I deserve punishment - when I find it hard to even look people in the eye and smile.... I was feeling like this because I've eaten so much in the past few days and I just couldn't stand myself for it. I wanted to go home, hide from the world, sleep until tomorrow. Instead, my friend dragged me out to an alumni get together. There were people from the admissions office and professors and recent and old alumni alike. I was forced to "put on my best face," and it really helped. Even if I wasn't totally "With it," it helped.

• Weighing myself can be a good thing. I need to practice seeing the # fluctuate and not having it affect my day. I have always been someone afraid of the scale. But I actually want to face the #, know the #, and still go about my day. I want to learn to do this.

• I don't like being uncomfortably full.

• I am surrounded by a network of people who I fit-in with, who care about me, who I care about. I must never feel like there's no one to call. I am surrounded by people to call, people to feel connected to. It's easy to forget this; I must remember.

Context: I went to an alumni event for my college (not at all located in CA). I often turn these events down because I feel like I don't' really belong. I think so highly of the people who attended my college and of my college itself that I often feel too inadequate to really participate in alumni events. Well, I went to an alumni event yesterday, and I realized, I'm not inadequate for it. I fit in fine. There were plenty of people to talk to - including a couple of people whom I haven't seen in 5 years or more. I felt great to realize I have this whole community of people nearby who have something in common with me. I should take advantage of this community!

• Kids brighten my day and always have the ability to pull me out of a funk!

Context: Yesterday when I was in my I-can't-focus-because-I-am-full-and-ps-I-hate-myself-for=ruining-everything-by-eating funk, I was forced to tutor a table of 3 kids at once (8th grade algebra student, 7th grade math student, and 2nd grade reading student). Interacting with them immediately made me feel better.

And this is how I'm feeling as of the last two day:

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anaïs Nin

Also, you should all know I have made a very conscious decision to NOT wait until the treatment program begins to eat more and eat regularly. I am starting three days ago. I don't need to arrive at treatment "extra sick." That, as Sarah said, is "absurd" logic.

Big things happening today:

-Tracy

-2nd intake for treatment center

-Dinner with a friend at one of my favorite cafes.