- Creating an IOP like setting with friends isn't working because I keep sabotaging it. With Jane, I set up a meal partner for every lunch and dinner this week, and I got out of 6 of the 9 meals that we had set up together.
- Saying "I'll just eat better tomorrow" isn't working.
- Eating with people who aren't going to give up and leave until I eat DOES work.
- Eating with people who don't take the Eating Disorder's arguments DOES work.
Reasons to support the idea that I actually have an eating disorder that is in the way of my life right now:
- I have cancelled plans with friends in order to avoid eating.
- I am not eating at times I know I "should."
- I am shying away from certain foods, certain calorie amounts, certain times of eating.
- I FEEL very stuck.
- It FEELS the worst it's ever felt since before I ever spoke with Tracy and Jane. I.e., it feels the worst it has felt in 3 years.
- I am skipping meals.
- I am picking "weird" food to eat when I do eat.
- People everywhere are making comments - including people who didn't even know I had an ED before (<--that's the biggest red flag)
- If I'm being honest with myself, I just know that I'm not about to get out of this on my own anytime soon. I know it's just getting worse. I don't like admitting that, but I know that.
REasons why I want to get better
- I experience this painful longing every single day to just be like all the people around me.
- My heart hurts that I can't do a normal task.
- I want to be able to say "yes" to going out with my friends.
- I don't want people to be concerned.
- I don't want to worry about my bones when I'm older.
- I want to be able to run again.
- I want to focus on things besides my food, hunger, and body. Really... I don't think about anything besides those three things anymore... or so it seems sometimes.
- I want to focus on the things I CARE about (productivity, children, current events, how people are doing, interacting with others, brightening peoples' days, etc.)
- I don't want to have this problem forever. I really don't. I don't want to be an adult with this problem.
- I want to be able to make my own choices, and not limited by the choices that hte eating disorder wants me to make.
Reasons why I fight getting better
- Accepting help is admitting I have a problem that needs help, and I'm ebarassed.
- Accepting help makes me feel guilty that the people who give the help have to spend time on me.
- I'm afraid I'll gain weight.
- I'm afraid I'll fail at getting better, and then everyone will be disappointed and mad.
- Is their a point in trying? What if I just slip again? what if recovery isn't possible for me?
- Sometimes slipping into denial "Am I making this up?" "Maybe I'm just not trying hard." "Maybe this is just a choice and I can stop whenever."
My options to get better are:
- Take time off of work and see Jane 3x a week, Tracy 2x a week
- Tell my parents and ask them to come stay with me for a few weeks
- Go home for a few weeks, but, before that, have JAne talk with them and educate them on how they can best help me... so they understand they need to help provide 3 structured meals.
- Intensive Out Patient (<--If I did this, I'd have to tell my parents)
- Use friends as IOP (<--this isn't working though, so this isn't an option)
- Do it by myself (<--this isn't working, so this isn't an option)
Part of me thinks that increasing Jane and Tracy and/or doing IOP would be just as helpful as going home for 3 weeks or even a month. The resistance I have to going home and letting my parents be my treatment center is that I'd have to fully tell my parents, and they'd have to fully understand. I fear they wouldn't really fully understand. I fear they'd let me skip meals. But maybe Jane would educate them. I feel like I should just use my parents though because that's a free resource. Going IOP or increaseing Jane to 3x a week and Tracy to 2x a week would be so much more expensive than just using my parents. Should I just swallow my pride and use my parents? Is pride the only thing stopping me from using my parents? OR would my parents really be less effective than Jane and Tracy or IOP? I really don't know which would be more effective: Jane/Tracy or IOP or parents?
Because bottom line is: I need to get rid of this problem. I'm 25. I have lots of resources. I need to use them. I am INCREDIBLY grateful for the resources I have. Maybe I just need to get real about the fact that I do have a problem that requires some attention. Maybe I need to nip this ED quicker rather than later.
Jane is all about patient empowerment. She always reminds me I'm the consumer of the healthcare system, and I can choose what is best for me. Next time I talk to her, I'm just going to say, "SEriously... I don't want to be empowered. Just tell me... what do you think I shoudldo? Because I'll do it. I want help. Just tell me what I should do. What would be most effective and quickest?" And I'm going to try to have a really rational decision about what is best for me.
PS: I may have not eaten my meals today or done ANYTHING that Jane said to do, but I do want out of this. I do want help. I do wnat to do what Jane says, I just want someone to stand next to me while I do it.
I want someone to take my power away form me.
It seems like your thinking is definitely changing for the better. It's also good that you know that, right now, you can't always trust yourself, and need some other people on side to share a bit of the power and help you get back on track.
ReplyDeleteKeep going in the right direction. You can do this.
Sarah x
You can go it. Your determination is good, you clearly know what you need :)
ReplyDeleteI hope J helps you figure out which choice to go for.
xxx
When I told my family and friends I was going IP, I was shocked at how supportive everyone was. Even my guy friends who can be kind of jerks lol. You may be suprised how your family reacts. Good luck lady, Im thinking of you.
ReplyDelete^ not implying you need IP, thats just when I told everyone about my recovery
ReplyDeleteI think you should tell your parents. If you are 100% committed to a FULL RECOVERY, then you need to be 100% honest with them, yourself and everyone else in your life that you share this probelm with. ED doesn't want you to tell anyone, you have to fight that. You know telling your parents is the right thing to do, so don't let ED hold you back. I don't know if you should have them stay with you, or you go there with them for a while or what, but I suggest you get Jane's advice on that. She wants you to recover just as quickly as you do. Just get it all out in the open girl and don't let that ED take away any more of your life. You can do this! It won't be easy and as long as you aren't expecting it to be, you'll be fine. Just accept there will be some anxiety and kicking and screaming and "idonwana's!" all along the way. You got better once before, now you can do it again. Just try to trust in yourself. You have nothing to lose.
ReplyDeleteI like the way your thinking this out. IMO, I don't think that increasing Jane & Tracy alone is the best option - I think that would need to be combined with something else because on days that you see them, you don't necessarily eat better. So that only accounts for 3 meals a week.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to go the parents route (or maybe even if you don't) you could refer them to Laura Collins websites or one of the parent organizations about eating disorders. It would probably be good for them to at least know about the Maudsley method if they are going to try to help. The ideas of food as medicine, not engaging with the eating disorder, etc would definitely be helpful.
Hope you truly get to enjoy yourself this weekend!
I definitely believe you should converse with your parents. Patients have the highest chance of long-term recovery when their family is [somehow] involved in the therapeutic process.
ReplyDeleteWhichever route you choose to take is up to you but I believe your parents should be thoroughly informed and active in your recovery.
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