I can do this.

Well, I didn't exactly stay on track with food today. I don't want to go into detail about it because I don't want to relive it or get stuck in the past or anything. (Just think no structure, think random niblings, think sugar, think feelings of guilt and restriction... needless to say, I did not follow the plan I had made yesterday.) I just want to pretend it never happened so that I can stay in the present and get back on track. That's what I need to do. Be in the present with no association to the past.

The comments PTC and Lisa left were really helpful. Thanks guys! Lisa, I love the "fluids push fluids" (or whatever you said) comment. And talking with my nutritionist today also was helpful because it gave me some perspective and realized I actually haven't been overindulging or overeating or "going crazy" nearly as much as I thought.... and sometimes I did actually undereat this past week. While I was reviewing the past week's eating I realized how many times I had really lost perspective. I realized that so often, nothing bad with food had really happened (at least nothing that bad), and, yet, I reacted as if I'd just binged my head off or something. Talking to the nutritionist gave me a reality check that nothing that drastic had actually gone wrong. I told her that I felt out of control today and that today was messed up too. She told me nothing was wrong with today. I told her I was just going to pretend that today wasn't that bad and have a normal dinner. She said I didn't have to pretend. But I do. I really do. I don't even want to think about it. So I'm not. And, I didn't make it to a normal dinner. I had 2 large handfulls of chips + an ice cream sandwich + a latte in the afternoon and I am not hungry for dinner and I just know that if I eat dinner, I won't be able to stop eating and I'll get all off track. It's just best to drink hot water tonight and go to sleep. Really that is all I can handle right now. Dinner will throw me off more. But tomorrow will be a good day. I can tell. My mind is out of the fog. My nutritionist thinks that I feel like I'm in a "haze" when I'm eating sometimes because it's the only way I can handle eating "risky" foods (which happened a lot this week when my friend was visiting).

I also told my nutritionist I was sick of thinking about all of this. I told her I think my food is fine now (besides this past week). I told her I think I'm done - that I don't have an eating disorder anymore. She said I could take a break from leaving daily messages on her machine. She also said if I wanted to not write down my food for a week I could do that. She told me to call her tonight and tell her what I decided (would I take a break from writing food down or from checking in daily, etc.). I'm not sure what I want. I just kind of feel like I don't have an eating disorder. She said that my food is pretty good, but it's my mentality and how I feel about my food that still needs work. Maybe. But maybe if I can take a break from thinking about food so much, my mentality will be better. Because - really - my mind and behaviors are so much better in the last 3 - 4 months. So I'm trying to decide what to do.

What do I even want? What would be optimal eating for me? All I want is to be in a rythm of eating. I want to eat B, L, D, S (and sometimes maybe an afternoon snack). I want to eat food that makes my body feel energized and healthy. I want to feel hungry before meals. I want to feel satisfied (but not too full) afterwards. I want to continue to run. I feel like after a rocky week like this last one, I shouldn't just cease to write down my food. So maybe I'll still write down my food, but I won't write down so many details (like reactions, hunger levels, fullness levels). Maybe I won't call her daily to check in - but I'll call if I start to feel like things are getting rocky again. Maybe I won't stick with the meal plan so rigidly. As it is now, I pretty much only eat food that she has put on the meal plan. I basically eat the same thing every day. This isn't what she would want. She'd want me to be flexible. So I'll stick with the meal plan in that I'll eat 3 balanced meals every day and 1 mandatory evening snack. But maybe I'll be more flexible with my food and eat a greater variety. Maybe I'll even chill on the calorie counting and try not to worry about it so much. I think I'm just getting mentally exhausted from the calorie counting (I mean, it's like counting and recounting calories multiple times an hour). I'll just focus on having a relaxed mindset and deliberate and structured food behavior.

So that's the plan: Eat 3 balanced meals and 1 - 2 snacks. Think before I eat. Eat what my body wants. Stay aware while I eat (dont' go into a haze if I get anxious - just pause and stop eating for a second if I get anxious). Count calories every once in a while to make sure I'm getting enough. Count calories if I'm starting to freak out, but really aim to just relax around food. Continue to run most days of the week. Write down my food for my nutritionist but in a lot less depth. Only check in a few times this week with her via phone. Yes, that is what I want. Okay, I feel better about that now.

On a school note: I have to go swimming tomorrow with my class. You'd think I should be freaking out. Like oh my geezal I have to wear a bathing suit in front of my students. But there's another part of me that just LOOOOVVVESSS diving boards (and trampolines and anything acrobatic - I did gymnastics my entire life growing up)... and I think I love diving boards enough to override my fear of bathing suits and swimming in public. Plus, I'd rather be the teacher that jumps in the pool with the kids than the self conscious teacher who stands on the sidelines and waves. So, I'm going to let my kids push me in. I'm going to dive off that diving board. I'm going to get totally wet. AND I'M GOING TO EAT 3 MEALS WHILE I'M AT IT.

Plan for tomorrow:

No running (because student cummulative folders need to be done by tomorrow so I just super need to be at school by like 6 am so I have time to do them)

Breakfast: 1/2 cup egg beaters + 1 slice whole wheat toast (and coffee of course)

Walk to swimming pool with class (oy, please cross your fingers and pray that no one dies while we corss the 6 lane rode<--ugh, I mean road.... and that no student does something stupid like tip over every garbage can we pass (it's garbage day))

Swim

Lunch - we are ordering pizza. Normally I would have packed my own special lunch. But I think I'm able to branch out. I will eat 1 slice of pizza.

Swim

Walk back to school (say the same prayer as requested above haha)

Snack - yogurt or apple or banana (or, if hunger says, I'll have 2 of those three things)

Appointment with therapist (she's been out of town for a few weeks). My goal is to be real with her. I hardly say anything in these appts and I feel like I don't give her my honest reactions sometimes. I'm going to try to change that.

Dinner - 6'' subway turkey sandwich with cheese

Snack - frozen yogurt

Relax at night (reading)

Okay, I'm feeling a lot more confident about my ability to be on track tomorrow and not lose myself in this end-of-school-year-maddness.

Thanks everyone!