The Change

I am so sleepy today and my butt is so sore from hiking. I seriously thought I might fall asleep while working at the frozen yogurt store today. I have hardly moved at all today. I sat down at the fro yo shop when I wasn't helping customers, didn't exercise, and didn't walk anywhere. The former me would have come home and thought that I'd go on a run in lieu of a nap. "Runs are like sleeping," I always told myself. My nutritionist always cracked me up by saying, "Actually, runs are about the opposite of sleep." Today, though, after I got home from work (around 5:30pm), I didn't run even though I thought I "should." I just relaxed on my bed, reading for a while, with my eyes half shut. Every once in a while, a fleeting thought about "not moving enough" and "getting fat" as a result of it popped into my head, but then it just left as soon as it came. Truly, the reasonable, Evolved Me thing to do would be to recognize that I have had very little sleep in the last few days, my limbs are sore, I'm scheduled to the brim, and my body wants to chill for the day. Plus, I'm busy the next few days. And, the reasonable and Evolved Me would recognize that maybe my lack of activity will make the scale go up - but that's okay b/c it will go down again the next day and it'll all even out. And, even if I had decided to run in an attempt to make the scale go down, it would eventually come back up again. Reasonable/evolved me realizes I can't live in extremes. So, relax is what I'll do tonight. I'm currently watching THE HOLIDAY with my roommate. I'm bad at just sitting and looking at the T.V. so I'm also blogging.

Food was good again today. NO CALORIE COUNTING TODAY! NONE! YAY! And I'm sure I ate what I wanted to eat, I didn't overeat, I ate every time I was hungry. I didn't measure anything. My body was my only guide. I like this. I'm glad I'm in a position of being able to do this. My body is able to be my guide. A year ago, two years ago, three years ago, etc. etc. etc. etc.... if I just decided to let my body be my guide, it wouldn't have worked. And, oh yeah, all this time I was afraid I "might get fat" if I just trusted my body. Well, the scale is not skyrocketing. All is fine.

THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE IN ME. It's like I'm more relaxed around food, less eating disordered, more willing to trust doing things that aren't as disordered... I'm just a lot more willing to try doing things differently. Besides, the 2+ years of nutrition counseling, and the 1 year of therapy, and 5 or 6 years prior to all of that with various friends confronting me and telling me that what I'm doing isn't working, I think this change happened because of a series of recent events. Take a look - this makes sense:

1) I had finally found a way to be okay with the high number of calories on the Nutritionist's Meal Plan by really increasing exercise and deciding that I get to subtract exercise calories from total intake to get net calories. (I used to not subtract exercise calories). And, through exercise, I found a way to make those "net calories" low enough that I was happy with them. The Nutritionist was catching on and asking me to halt exercising for the last few months.

2) As a result of increasing exercise and intensely/obsessively calorie counting and aiming for "net calories," I feel hopeful. Hopeful that I can please the nutritionist and get the "okay, you're done" from her while still losing weight.

3) Over the last two years, I have come to conclude that I am "bad" at restricting now. I do believe I'm not able to sustainably restrict food the way I did pre-nutritionist-era. I got to this point where I "can't go back."

4) I am painfully aware that I need to change my life. I need to add social connection. I just need to change something b/c I am starting to feel lonely and overworked and like a total failure all of the time. I finally tell this to J.

5) J (therapist) introduces the concept of "Evolved Me."

6) I realize that there are lots of great things that I don't have to give up (running, busy schedule) if I'm Evolved Me. This makes me less freaked by the idea of becoming the Evolved Me.

7) I also realize that the Evolved me would not operate in extremes, she would be more reasonable, and she would not calorie count.

8) I get a good image of the Evolved Me and rather like her. I also believe that the Evolved Me is able to live without calorie counting or obsession and, simultaneously, is not fat or lazy or a failure or unproductive or a waste of space (all the things I am afraid I'll end up being). I realize that the Evolved Me would have a happier life and be better for the world. The Evolved Me could contribute to the world in a way that Current Me couldn't. The Evolved Me could be a role model in a way that the Current Me couldn't. The Evolved Me could have a presence and spirit that the Current Me doesn't. While I know this, I'm not yet inspired to actually be the Evolved Me.

9) Nutritionist tells me my weight.

10) I flip out for about 9.5 hrs (5:30 pm - 3am), sobbing like a little child, like I haven't cried in a while. This was a totally not a normal reaction to just hearing your weight. Looking back, I think it was almost a "grieving" of my "old" ways.

11) I realize that I've been expending tons of mental energy counting and recounting and recounting calories, making food plans with calorie ceilings, getting a certain amount of exercise in JUST SO THAT I CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF and, yet, my weight is still at a weight that does not make me feel good about myself. Therefore, there has been NO POINT to any of this calorie counting/exercising/food planning/obsessing/etc.

12) I think, maybe, I finally "give up" - give up having to control my every movement and morsel just so that I can feel good about myself and control my weight. My weight cannot be controlled. And I'm making myself miss out on life by trying to do it.

13) Nutritionist tells me that she'd like to see me eat by simply knowing what looks like a normal size. And using my hunger and cravings and normalcy to tell me what/when to eat.

14) This idea of "eating intuitively" replaces my "system" of calorie counting/exercising/food planning. I don't have to follow a "plan" I can follow my body. Hmmm... I consider it.

15) I'm ready to try "eating intuitively" because 1) I've given up on being able to control my weight and 2) I've given up on my body responding to restriction the way it used to and 3) I'm going to step on a scale so that I know what's happening to my body and 4) it just so happens that "intuitive eating" is very inline with Evolved Me.

And, as I've now gone 4 days Eating Intuitiely, I am realizing all kinds of benefits to NOT calorie counting and NOT being a control freak. I don't know why *this time* it's different... but it is. I feel like I am somehow ready to make this transition. If I had just "decided" to be an intuitive eater last year, I would have totally failed.

Also, I don't want to get ahead of myself. I know it's 4 days. But I'm going to assume I'll keep going. I have the whole summer without the stress at school to practice being the Evolved Me who is an Intuitive Eater and, as a resulte, is more present for others and a better member of society.

Tomorrow's busy:
Work 9am - 1pm
Planning for next year with 2 other teachers 1:30pm - 3:30pm
J (therapist): 4pm - 5:40pm (yes, that's how long it is. She tells me that I should be going 2 times a week but, since I can't, I go to two sessions in a row. She always says things like "Based off where you are in recoery, you should be coming at least 2 times a week." This confuses me.)

And, no exercise planned again for tomorrow. My leg has to return to being normal before I run again.