A break from my system

I'm back. Took a blogging break while my friend was here, but I really missed checking and writing blogs.

I LOVE HAVING MY TRUNK CLEAN! I worked like a maniac for two hours after school unloading my trunk (which was basically serving as a library of school-related, curriculum books) and packing up my classroom/car. I still have grading, report cards, and cummulative folders to finish this week, but the cleaning and packing are all done! It feels so good!

Also, I'm glad that I've been able to maintain control and authority in what is my sometimes wild middle school classroom. It's the last week of school so they're antsy, so I started the day today telling them that I expect this week to be a really positive week. However, in order for that to be the case, I expect them to continue to treat me with as much respect as they'd treat their mother, to treat each other with as much kindness as they'd give their best friend, and I will continue to fight for their learning and treat them with as much respect as I'd give any adult I care about. I'm having to really enforce this, but the kids are falling in line nicely.

An update on how I feel about my roommate wanting to live alone next year: When I wrote the last post, I was genuinely sad about it. Now I'm sort of "over it." I use quotes because I'm not totally over it, but I'm detaching from the feeling and just ignoring it, so it's not really bothering me. Part of me feels mad I guess; part of me feels hurt; part of me has decided to just distance myself from my roommate and pretend that I don't value our friendship as much; Most of me just doesn't feel like caring. So while my real emotion might be a sadder one, the one I'm actually choosing to feel is a more apathetic one. I think I'm just scared to be without her. On some level, though, I think this will be good for both of us. For me, it'll force me to put more effort into forming more and better connections with people and place.

My friend's visit: It was fun. I didn't exercise for 2 of the days she was here because I felt bad to leave her and go exercise. We went out to eat 5 times in 4 days. I almost ate a real ice cream cone (don't think I've had one in 7 years) but at last minute I got freaked out and threw it away. We saw My Life in Ruins, which I enjoyed a lot. We ate Indian food, which I love but rarely eat because I can't count the calories. We went to a science museum and to Ghiradelli Square in San Francisco. We went in the hot tub. We played scrabble (which I do not enjoy). We went to a teacher union party (woo hoo! haha). We went hiking. I ate a cupcake (never would have done that if she weren't visiting).... and just talked.

I kind of took a break from my "system" of calorie counting and exercising while my friend was here. And, truthfully, I didn't really freak out. I was kind of like "Yup, I'm definitely being more lax about my eating... yup, definitely wouldn't be eating this if my friend weren't visiting... yup, I'm probably gaining some weight..... but, this will end by Sunday night when she leaves... I'll get to go back to my system... my weight will return to whatever it was pre-friend-visiting."

Question about how to proceed: My friend visiting actually got me thinking; I wonder if I should stop calorie counting? I wonder if I should dare to eat without a meal plan? (I kind of follow my nutritionists meal plan with - to her dismay - very little variety) I wonder if I decide to do that - if I just let go - things will be okay? I mean, things would be okay - I know - but I kind of have some fun using my system to get through my day and evaluate my day at the end... I'd be scared to not count calories, but perhaps I could "let go" and just "eat normally" if I used a scale? You know, just so I would know if I were getting out of control. But in order to do this, I'd have to actually step on a scale - which I am so afraid of doing.

"Food" (no pun intended) for thought: My friend asked me lots of ED questions, all of which I answered honestly. It got me thinking that, pretty much, my life is totally comprised of: work, ED treatment (nutritionist, therapist, and soon - at nutritionist's/therapist's request - medical doctor), running, and calorie counting. Notice the lack of social life (and I love being social - it's just that I don't know anyone around here. Every since I've moved to the area, all I've done is teach and be an "eating disorder patient" (ugh - hate that phrase)). My friend said that she thinks running/calorie counting and all things related to food games/systems are keeping me from getting close with people and being social. At first I totally disagreed with her. Now, I maybe only half disagree with her. Just something that has been going on in my mind the last few days.

It leaves me wondering.... I wonder if I should just quit talking to my nutritionist and therapist and just be reasonable about food and push myself to really live in the way that I want to live? Do you think it's possible that continuing to talk to these ED professionals keeps me from letting go of food thoughts/systems? Do you think that if I just decided that all was fine (because, really, it can be) and all was normal and if I just decided to stop thinking about it and talking about it and if I just decided to just let it all go and if I just decided to start pushing myself to live in a way that I knew would make me happiest, do you think that would be a good choice?

On a food note for today, I'm off the meal plan right now and I don't like it. I've had 150 extra calories for today and I know I shouldn't go run 150 calories off. So, instead, I'll realize that I have not become instantly fat. I'll realize that this week might not be perfect food-wise because it's the last week of school and, therefore, I'm super busy and tired and stressed. And, if damage gets done this week (meaning if I gain weight or eat off plan), then it won't be permanent and I won't become super fat and it won't be the end of the world. Truthfully, I'm worried that I'll eat again tonight still (I tend to eat when I feel off plan or guilty followed by a prolonged period of restriction... and I'm worried tonight will be an eating type of night --> guilt --> hating myself -->more eating --> lots of restriction). Here's the deal I'll make with myself right now: If, at 9pm I am actually hungry, I will allow myself to eat. That is, I will purposely break my calorie ceiling (I mean, it's already been surpassed today anyway). But, I will CHOOSE something to eat. I will think before I eat. I will eat until I know I will be able to sleep. That, in the end, will be the best course of action if I want to eat later

Well, off to relax the rest of the night - I'm going to read Runner's World magazine. I ran 12 miles yesterday and every single step felt awful - I felt like I was going to throw up the whole time. This morning I ran 3 miles and it felt so-so. I think running hasn't felt good the last two days maybe because I'm going to get sick the second school gets out. I don't usually predict sickness but I can feel it coming on. Last night I woke up at 2 am drenched in sweat - even my sheets were wet due to sweat. Also, I feel like I'm going to get my period (which I haven't had in months), but I think I have cramps and I feel like it's coming.