Breakthrough thought

I had a very unusual (but good) thought today. I hope this is a turning point...

I had an appointment with my nutritionist today. She was asking me if I realize how obsessive this calorie counting is. She says that she has clients who calorie count regularly - even people who write down the calorie numbers throughout the day like I do. But she told me that she has never had anyone who counts over and over and over again the way I do. I do feel a short sense of relief when I calorie count. It does relax me. But it also stresses me out.

What would it be like to not calorie count? Well, for one, I'd always be guaranteed that I get to eat when I'm hungry. I'd always get to eat dinner. Sometimes, when calorie counting, I seemingly arbitrarily decide to lower the calorie number and -when I'm in the process of not knowing what my new, lower calorie number will be I feel very anxious and unallowed to eat. I'd never have to feel this way if I didn't calorie count. I'd never have to wonder if I could or couldn't eat something. I'd also have nothing to count - so that means I'd be able to be fully present in conversations and the world around me. It'd take a lot of worry away. And to be able to go through every day knowing that I can for sure have dinner - b/c there is no calorie limit - would actually be quite relaxing. It is totally tiring to be calorie counting all the time. It makes me unpresent lots of times. It takes me out of the conversation, it makes me a bad listener. The concept of just eating what I wanted when I was hungry and stopping when I'm full and those being my only "rules" that guide my eating sounds scary but also like the way I should be living my life.

Could I give up calorie counting? Could I give up all these rules? What is holding me back? I think honestly, what's holding me back is body dissatisfaction. My nutritionist always says that I can just go by my body's signals. However, I always thought that my body's hunger and fullness signals would signal me to maintain weight. I want to lose weight. So why would I listen to my body? Also, I usually have so much body dissatisfaction that I am so fearful to let go of my calorie counting and rules because I'm afraid that - if I just let myself eat naturally - I'll gain weight. My nutritionist always tells me that I'll notice if I gain weight. I'll feel it. I always say "What if I don't notice?" She always says that people usually notice after 2 or 3 pounds. I have always thought "Are you kidding me?! I can't afford to risk gaining 2 or 3 pounds!" So, really, it is body dissatisfaction (and, ultimately, an identify that is based on my body size and probably something's wrong with self esteem too blah blah blah) that makes it so difficult for me to be willing to just let go of calorie counting and calorie ceilings. It's body dissatisfaction that makes me unwilling to just "try it for a week."

But I had a thought today after the nutritionists appointment..... this is a breakthrough thought I think....

I thought: What if my body is actually just fine the way it is? What if I don't need to lose any weight? What if my body is fine - just as it is?! So fine in fact that if I were to gain a few pounds, it'd be okay. If I were to lose a few pounds, well, of course that'd be okay too. What if I'm actually satisfied with my body? What if I don't need to lose weight?

There is evidence supporting the fact that my body is fine the way it is. I always find some irrational way to squash this evidence, but what if I just try to stay rational about this... So here me out. This is my evidence that my body is fine:

1) The doctor told me my weight is fine and that she didn't want me to lose any weight - that I was completely healthy. She told me I should not run so much becuase she doesn't want me to lose weight. (Irrational Thought: she's only saying this b/c she found out about the ED. Rational thought: let's just assume she's NOT lying to me. She would not tell me to NOT lose weight if I were fat.)

2) My nutritionist says my weight is just fine and I really have no reason to be worrying about it. She tells me I am not gaining weight (she doesn't tell me the numbers, but I always fear I'm gaining weight). She tells me that my weight is just fine. (Irrational thought: Well, she'd never tell me my weight is not fine because she knows that'd just make me more obsessive. Rational thought: Actually, she wouldn't lie to me. If my weight were going up and up, she'd let me know. When I first started working with her, I did need to gain weight. She never gave me a weight goal. She just told me we needed to focus on getting enough nutrition and that would bring my weight to whatever it needed to be. During that time, she admitted to me that that would mean I'd gain some weight at first and then I'd plateau off. During that time when I was gaining weight, she never kept this a secret. She would tell me I was gaining weight. Therefore, since she tells me I'im not gaining weight now, I should believe her. She hasn't lied to me in the past. Also, it's her job to catch over eating just as much as it is her job to catch under eating. Therefore, it's also her job to catch "too heavy" just as much as it is to catch under weight)

3) I wear a size x or y and these sizes are not big sizes. (Irrational thought: the clothing stores I shop it just make their sizes differently. A size x is really a big size in real life - certain clothing stores just try to compliment you. I also sometimes think that clothing companies are, little by little, making their smaller sizes bigger. For example, a 2 this year is the same as a 10 last year. A 4 this year is the same as 12 las tyear. A 6 is the samea s a 14, etc. Rational thought: I have no actual reason to believe that clothing stores are out to get me. Plus, if someone else were to tell me the wore a size x or y (the sizes I wear), I wouldn't assume that she is being tricked by the clothing companies)

4) My body can run far. I have endurance. I am strong. I wouldn't sacrifice this ability for x pounds lost. I really wouldn't.

5) There have been times when I weighed WAAAAY LESS than I do now and, even at that weight, I had lots of days where I felt so fat that I couldn't be seen in public. I still have those feelings now. So, actually, my fat feelings mean nothing. They are not actually correlated to weight.

6)I don't have the body of a 13 year old - but I'm not supposed to. I'm 24 and I'm not supposed to look like a 13 year old. I don't have the body I had during college; but during college, I was consumed entirely by ED stuff. So I'm not supposed to have the body I had when I was physically my worst. I ate XXX calories a day at that point and that was very unhealthy. So I shouldn't be trying to return to the body from those days. I do, however, have something close to the body I had when I was 17. I didn't have an ED then. I was an active, healthy, athletic, and slim 17 year old - but I was not underweight or caught up in ED stuff or restricting my intake. So a 17 year old version of me (or even a slightly plumper one - since I am 24 now and not a teenager) is actually a perfectly fine body to have


So what if my body is actually fine? What if I don't need to be on some hamster wheel of body dissatisfaction, running round and round pursuing thinness - never feeling like I deserve a break? What if I can stop all of this nonsense because my body is actually fine. What if there is nothign wrong with my body. What if I'm fine just as I am.

If I can relax because my body doesn't need to be changed - then I can take the risk to try to "let go" and stop counting calories. I can take the risk to listen to my body instead.

I think I'm going to try. I think it's worth it.

Positive things about today:
1) Excellent, enjoyable run (though this IT band thing is worse than normal and it was causing me to limp. I don't want to stop running though....)

2) Decided to eat a wrap even though I didn't know the calories. Decided that that was in line with my true values and that I could "risk" eating something without knowing the calories. I mean, really, what's gonna happen? I'm going to instantly gain weight? no.

3) Had a wonderful family dinner where I was cracking up the whole time

4) Officially signed up for trapeze class