I think I'm sad...

This post will not be as positive. I am so tired right now and I'm feeling ... I'm not sure what. Sad? Bad about myself? Worried? I don't know so I'm just going to write.

My roommate, who is the most amazing person on earth and also my best friend, told me this morning that she wants to live alone after our lease runs up (in mid July). She says it's nothing against me - She says I'm her best friend and that she loves me. I guess I believe her... But She says she needs to live alone to work on being independent. Earlier this year she broke up with her boyfriend of 9 years and, while she has dated around this past year, she seems committed to not being in a relationship (until recently - there's a new guy who's making it farther than any of the other guys. She might end up in an exclusive relationship with this one). When I am gone for the night, she always has someone come and stay in our apt the night so she's not alone. At one point when we didn't live together, she would sleep over at my apt every time her boy friend wasn't home. She says she needs to get over her fear of being alone. Honestly, I think she's right. I think living alone will be a big opportunity for personal growth for her. I think it is the right move for her.

But I am really sad about not living with her. Genuinely sad. And it makes me want to run - run far until I zone out and ignore it and don't think about it. But I just talked to P (nutritionist) and I'd feel too guilty to run twice in one day on a day that I talked to P. P would not approve. My roommate means so much to me. I don't know if I care for anyone more than I care for her. Seriously. We joke about how if only we were lesbians we'd be done looking for love. I know everything there is to know about her and visa versa. I can be 100% myself around her. I can say anything to her. She is the only person I can to about ED stuff (besides you guys and the professionals). When she told me this morning that she thought she ought to live alone, I told her that I fully supported her decision, that I wasn't offended or mad, that I understand. At the same time, I couldn't help crying as I told her this and as I explained how much I would miss her. It wasn't like sobbing - just quiet tears rolling down my face as I talk to her. But in the shower I cried harder and after she left for the day, I cried harder. And I cried as I drove to school - just thinking about missing her. You know, I rarely ever cry. Very, very, very few people have seen me cry. Not the nutrionist or my therapist or close friends. It's pretty much just my roommate and my parents. But when I think about my roommate, I always end up crying. I cry because I care about her so much and all I want is for her to be happy. It's like I care about her so much it hurts. And, sometimes, I wonder how it can be that she (someone so special and amazing) can want to be friends with me. How'd I luck out?! And so I cry because I don't feel like a good enough person to be her best friend. I cry because maybe I'm bad for her. I cry because maybe she'd be better off with out me. So it's hard when all I want is for her to be happy and know how amazing she is and, at the same time, I often think that she needs to distance herself from me in order to be happy. So to make her happy, I have to be out of her life. That's how I often see it. She doesn't say anything to make me feel that way, but it's just how I feel.

I guess I'm down about not living with her because I'm afraid I'll lose her. I can't imagine that we'll actually get together more than once a week. I'm sad thinking about how, because I'm not living with her, I'll know her just as well as anyone else. I want to know her better. And I don't think she'll want to spend time with me because once she realizes what it's like for me to not be in her life every day, she'll realize that that's better. I mean, I'm just not a good enough of a person to be a positive addition to her life. Or anyone's life.

I guess I'm also sad about not living with her because - even though she says it's to practice living alone and prove to herself that she can do it and even though she swears that she loves me and even though she says it's going to be her mission to prove to me that we'll still see each other (I don't think this will actually happen) - I'm sad about not living with her because part of me is taking it personally. I'm going through all of the things I do wrong. Like I'm not good enough to get to be friends with her.
-I talk too much
-my ED stuff stresses her out more than it stresses me or any of the professionals out
-I ask her not to keep certain foods (namely cookies and PB) around so she keeps them in her room
-I run too much and this makes her feel bad about herself for not running and worried for me for running
-I'm not as into decorating as she is

If I try to look at this positively... living alone is not hard for me to do. I'm fine with that. Maybe it'll give me a greater incentive to get out a socalize more? Maybe it'll give me a greater incentive to call people up and build deeper connections with them? I just don't know. I'm just sad and intimidated by next year. I'm afraid I'll be so alone. I'm afraid I'll hate teaching. I'm afraid I won't have any good friends. I'm like reverrting to being a child right now. I'm being so immature. But it makes me just want to quit working, curl up and live at my parents house (which is in a totally different city). I just feel like I can't be an adult on my own - without my best friend (roommate).

I guess it comes down to I'm just really lonely.
2 years ago, I moved across the country to teach. I'm a teach for america teacher (www.teachforamerica.org) which means that, as soon as I arrived in CA (coming from Ohio), I was thrown into an intensive teacher training institute and then into the classroom. Everything in live moved so fast that all I did was teach for a year. Nothing else. I didn't even exercise because I was not allowed to according to the nutritionist. All I did was teach and feel inadequate. Then this year, all I do is teach and run. I know some people but I don't know anyone well (except for my roommate). I'm not from here, so no one I grew up with is here. I have no family here. And friends from college all tended towards the east coast and the midwelst (NYC, DC, chicago, philly). I just want to be part of a group. I want to have a network. And I don't have that here - not yet anyway. And I don't do that many fun things. And I'm a really outgoing person who loves knowing people and conversing with them. And now I just feel like I live all alone in this state with little ties or connections to anyone or anything. And I can feel better if I run and eat well. If I ignore my life and throw myself into running and keeping food on track, I can be happy. But if I'm forced to think about teaching and about lack of social connection here, I feel totally worthless and really sad. But when I think about running and how many calories I ate, I feel exhilerated and great.

Maybe separating from my roommate (ha, I totally sound like I'm in a romantic relationship with her haha. she'd get a kick out of this. She woudl never read my blog though. She'd be too afraid of what ED-related stuff she might read. The ED is hard on her. It makes her cry).... maybe separating from my roommate will force me to be less dependent on her for my happiness. Maybe it'll force me to make ties with others and get involved in other things etc.

I'm sorry for the downness of this post. I don't normally feel just plain sad like I do now. I wouldn't feel plain sad if I could go running right now, but, alas, I cannot do that. That crosses the line. I already ran 6 miles today. Plus I'm super sleepy and tired now.

I feel drained now, after having written this. And I have to call a student back. He's called me like 12 times (seriously) in the past hour. He uses me as his therapist. I appreciate that he can trust me, but I'm annoyed that he won't stop calling at the moment. So I guess I'm going to end it here - though I did have stuff to say on the topic of eating more (response from PTC's comment from last post) and on the topic of my appointment with P. Basically, P said this week was better than last because I was letting myself get more satisfied. She said that I am still too hungry. She is worried about exercise.

P's goals for me this upcoming week are:

1. Consider doing 2 days without exercise
2. Let myself feel tired → read instead of run. I discovered that I often run as a way to avoid feeling tired and sleepy. Lots of times when I run, my body is really saying "sleep!"
3. Always get in banana at breakfast
4. Try a new lunch – consider whole food’s sandwich

Alrighty, off to call student and pick up my friend from the airport. Then grocery shopping, dinner, and then I am absolutely beat! I am so sleepy I could fall asleep sitting straight up like this.

**update**
My student just told me that today, 3 male students were trying to take a picture of my butt and were planning on putting it on myspace and labeling it "hottest teacher." Um... yeah... and that's what you get for teaching middle school. Can you say disturbing? Thank goodness they did not succeed in getting the picture. Oh geez. Well the student's phone died so I have to call him back in 15 min after it charges a bit. I really have to talk to him. no one is at home with him and i'm honestly afraid of what he might do to himself if left to his own devices. He's recently suffered a trauma and become really depressed. I even have the police drive by and stop in to say hi to him to make sure he has company.