Talk with Tracy

Talk with Tracy

The basic update on eating disorder stuff is that I'm recently realizing how much progress I have made from the beginning. I look at where I am now, and I feel like I some how just.... poofed my way into this much healthier way of eating and living. I think back to what I wanted out of Tracy at the beginning, and realize I have way surpassed those original goals. I think back to goals I made with Jane and Tracy in May and realize I've way surpassed those goals too.

I know I probably can't yet say that I 100% don't have an eating disorder anymore because I do still have bad days and days heavy on the ed-thought front, but, honestly, my mind and behaviors are so much better now. The biggest change is that I am no longer on a meal plan. (I kind of took myself off of the meal plan lol over the summer against tracy and jane's advice. Then I crashed and burned, but still refused to go back on the meal plan... I knew that I would find my way through the darkness to some sort of stable eating - and I pretty much did). There is still some calorie counting, but it does not happen every day. And on days it does happen, it's only once or twice per day and just rough estimates - not meticulous counting. There is zero measuring. I am really trying to identify what food it is I feel like, and then let my body have that. I've realized, I end up eating in a pretty balanced way when I do that. I do still feel "safer" if I just stay a "little bit" hungry, and I get that that is disordered. When I took a break from running, I did feel the need to compulsively walk the same distance I would have run, but, as time has gone on, that need has diminished and I never go on crazy long walks anymore. I have eaten less since I've stopped running, and, part of me is not looking forward to running again simply because it means I have to eat more. Overall, I am not thinking about food all day long. I am not worried about food. I am not making food plans. I am not anxious about the food, and I am not rigid about my food. I eat a variety of food, and I'm just a lot healthier than I have been in a long while.

Another thing - when I flounder or slip, I am actually able to get back on track the very next day. A slip used to throw me off for weeks - seriously. Saturday I slipped and was very, very restrictive. Tracy said, "Woah. That was a horrible day!" And I went to bed tempted to keep the restrictive behaviors up on Sunday. But, I knew that was a bad idea, and I just easily pushed myself through Sunday breakfast and everything snapped back into place.

I did share my post from the day I stepped on the scale and wound up sobbing over my weight with Tracy. I asked her the questions I asked on there. Here are her answers, in her words:

• You don't weigh too much.

• No, we cannot work on weigh loss because you don't need to lose weight.

• When you e-mailed me your reasons that could be used as evidence to justify you not being fat, I almost e-mailed you back saying that if you go down one more size in pants (I've gone down a size over the summer and still now even though I don't know how that happens. I currently have a group of pants in my closet that I can't wear because they are too big. I bought them all last year - I wasn't even eating too much, but it was the year of the dropped metabolism) then, I don't care what the scale said, you would start looking underweight and sick and we'd need to spend effort on weight gain.

• It's not about the #. Your body is taking up less space now than it did 6 months ago. You look more slender because of the muscle.

• Just so that you can trust me, I'm going to tell you a couple of things: I have a few patients who, when they first started working with me, were anorexic and underweight. Now, I am working with them on weight loss. They have fully recovered from their eating disorder, so we are able to work on weight loss easily. If you were in the same boat, I would let you know that we would work on it at some point. You are not in that boat.

• I promise you from the bottom of my heart that if we ever need to work on weight loss, I will let you know and I will help you lose weight.

• At some point, your metabolism suffered and that caused some weight gain, but now you are balanced out again and you're doing well.

• I truly believe you have a lot more muscle than you realize.

• The reason you used to weigh less a year, two years ago, three years ago was because you were anorexic and didn't eat nearly enough. Even when you started bingeing, you only binged once every few days and the under eating definitely outweighed the overeating. You can't compare your body now to that body then. It's not supposed to be the same. It would be bad if it were the same. That was an underweight, underfed body, and it wasn't healthy.

• Don't count calories or weigh yourself because then you lose the opportunity to get in touch with your hunger and fullness, and those are skills you need to use for your whole life.

• Are you sure you want to start running again? You've been doing so well, that it'd be nice to just get food stable without the added element of exercise. If you do start running again, you have to be able to eat more again.

• There are 70 pound anorexics who still have body fat because their body just eats their muscle. The reason you didn't have this much muscle in the past was because you didn't eat enough for your body to hang on to any muscle. Now that you're eating more, it is able to hang on to the muscle.

• There is such a variety of bodies in the world. Sometimes, you'll be somewhere and your body will be similar to every one else's. Sometimes, you'll be thinner than everyone. Sometimes, there will be people there who are thinner than you. Sometimes there will be people there who are bigger than you and people who are thinner than you in a room. Sometimes you'll be in a room with someone with an eating disorder and you won't even know it. You can't avoid body diversity. And it's unrealistic to assume you should always be the thinnest one in the room. The point of life is not to be thin. The point of life is to be happy and fulfilled.

• I really really want you to get this weight loss need out of your head. I am going to leave a message for Jane.

• I'd like you to spend the next few therapy sessions really focusing on believing you don't need to lose weight and believing that you deserve good feelings and happiness.

• You really are starting to not need your eating disorder anymore. You really are starting to outgrow it (no pun intended).

I'm slowly realizing, it's okay to have a normal looking body. Maybe I can relax about this all...

Still been on my roll of not hiding from the world, of being productive. Today I got my mail, paid a bill, deposited a check, got an oil change, fixed my headlight, followed up on 2 jobs, applied for 2 other jobs, met with a guy who is an educational consultant to see if I might be interested in that type of job, tutored 3 kids, prepped for a parent conference, talked to my friend on the phone (she just broke up with her boyfriend), checked my bank account online, and ate 3 meals and 2 snacks.

I had a really nice moment with my manager this evening at the tutoring center. She made me feel good. She told me that I am "such an interesting person" and that I "never stop having something interesting to say." Then she said, "you make my day everyday." :)

Now, it's off to watch a movie in bed. Ah, yay for relaxation. And indulgence!

(I am so bad at watching movies. I read while I watch movies, lol. Seriously. I'm trying, I'm trying....)

Take care of yourselves!

<3,

Laura

p.s.: this is super cheesy... but sometimes I just feel like I have so much love for people.... love in my bones, in my heart, in my entire being that I don't know what to do with myself. I just care a lot. Care a lot about strangers, about coworkers, about friends, about family, about students, and about you all. I sometimes care so much it takes my breath away for a moment. This happens before I tutor - I get so excited. This happens when I'm having a conversation with someone who I find myself caring about. This has happened to me my whole life.