I'm ready

(woah! woah! I just figured out how to change colors and fonts in blogger!) okay, begin blog

Something has changed, and I hope it stays this way.

In short, I've been being more productive, being more present in the world around me, and taking care of myself better. In addition, I've been challenging some of my beliefs and really feeling a lot closer to being able to let go of ED-related chains and just live.

Basically, my focus has shifted.

Instead of having my focus be this: fear-of-life-I'm-not-capable-let's-just-analyze-food-intake. Driving force here is fear and lacking self-belief.

My focus has become this: woo-hoo-i'm-capable-of-life-without-losing-my-balance-and-sanity-I-can-handle-myself-let's-focus-on-getting-things-done-and-keeping-you-thriving.Driving force here is belief in self and belief that there is more to me and life than just achieving things and being thin.

Change: Taking better care of myself

Examples:

When I want to read, but I feel like I should blog, I've been choosing to read.

When I want to read or clean and listen to NPR and talk on the phone, but I feel like I should walk on the treadmill for 2 hours while watching The Biggest Loser, I've been opting to get my pjs on, empty my dishwasher, curl up on my papasan, and talk on the phone.

I bought intense conditioner, and have been lathering it on and my hair is finally untangled!

I am currently wearing a face mask :) (Even though I could be working, prepping for a meeting tomorrow)

When I take off my clothes, I've been putting them in the hamper so that I may enjoy a clean and comforting and inviting apartment to relax in.

When I use a dish, I've been putting it in the dishwasher, so that my kitchen stays pretty to look at.

When I eat something in my car and I have a wrapper, instead of stuffing it in my door, I've been throwing it away, so that my car is an enjoyable place to sit in.

Change: Being productive

(I used to just spend hours in the morning doing nothing in particular, staring, not responding to emails, fearing life, reading blogs, not feeling like I could be a REAL PERSON)

Examples:

This morning, I woke up and, before I signed onto blogger, before I chatted on g-chat, before I read countless nytimes articles, before I wrote a novel of a blog... I did real stuff. This showcases a belief that I am a real person, having a real day, joining in other humans in this day. So, this morning, I...

• paid Tracy today requires getting an envelope and a stamp and walking to the mail box
• sent my dad a description of my medical insurance same requirements as above
• I paid my rent again (because they lost my rent)
• I mailed a "I don't live here" form to the Jury Duty Bosses of LA to tell them that I don't live there.
• Applied to a job (and, when I apply to jobs, I go all out. This means I applied online and e-mailed the exec. director and the dir. of HR, and I faxed it to them too.)
• Updated 4 students lesson plans
• Logged my hours for my tutoring job.
• Ate breakfast + drank 2 mugs of amazing coffee.

Here, let me note that I got all this done because I DID NOT exercise.

But, I am feeling optimistic and ready to leap into full-time jobs now, and I'm spending a lot of effort to see to it that that will end up happening. I used to fear that if I intensified my life again (like the last two years), I'd be miserable and eating disordered. I don't think that anymore. I think I can handle a full-time job. I think I can keep on the path towards health. And I think I can intensify my life without becoming so extreme that I become a workaholic. so... I'm ready!

Change: Challenging how much weight matters and feeling closer to letting go of the thin identity.

Examples:

I went to the doctor yesterday. I was a new patient. As you may know, I am a FREAK at doctors' offices. As you also may know, I am totally abnormally sensitive to my weight. And, as you may know, I had no idea what my weight was. Well, at the doctor yesterday, I found out my weight. And I pretty much just cried in the doctors' office. True story. Luckily, this doctor often works with eating disordered people so he was able to talk to me nicely and showed so much compassion and patience. Seriously, best doctor ever. I wrote him a thank you note today.

I would be lying to say this didn't effect me yesterday. I hardly ate yesterday.

But that was my "woah" day.

Since then, I've thought some other things about weight:

1. I have to decide if I want to be so affected by a number. I don't.

2. I weigh the same that I did in August of my freshman year of college. I was not eating disordered then. And I was developed.

3. Over the course of nutrition counseling, my weight has fluctuated a lot. I've gained 30 pounds, then I've even gained extra. I've kept gaining even when Tracy would have been okay if I lost. So, I actually weigh less now than I did over the last year and a half. So maybe this weight is okay.

4. I am healthy. My blood pressure is great. My heart rate is great. I have endurance. My energy levels are high. I have a decent amount of muscle. (I had blood work done yesterday, and I'll get the results back next week) This is what matters. If I focus on behaviors and not weight, I do pretty well.

5. My clothing sizes are not too big. And, honestly, if my clothing sizes were 1 or 2 sizes smaller, that wouldn't be healthy (for me. Maybe some people are naturally a size x or y, but I'm not.)

6. Anyway, who says I need to be naturally almost underweight? No one. I am an adult woman.

7. My weight does not make me me. It might have been a major identifying factor of my growing up, but now, it's not what defines me. I am defined by my interests and my personality instead.

8. Why should I always need to be the skinniest one in the room? That's a silly desire. And, when I realize that that desire has been lurking in my mind, I realize I don't agree with it. So... it's okay that I'm not the skinniest one around. It's okay I'm not the thinnest or the slimmest. It's okay that I'm just me.

I say a lot that I'm sick of thinking of all of this. When I said that before, I couldn't help that things were running through my head, they just were.

Now... Now it's different.

I AM ANNOYED AT EATING DISORDERS.

I am annoyed at talking about them.

I am annoyed at thinking about them.

I would like a subject change!

I am not in any physical danger. It's not that I'm ready to move on but Jane and Tracy are saying "Oh, not quite so fast..."

Jane and Tracy are ready for me to move on, I just need to say I'm ready. And I think I'm getting ready.

It's not natural for me to not focus on eating and eating disorders. I'm so used to it being a major focus of my life. So, it'll take some deliberate effort.

So, I'm going to spend some deliberate effort...

• Reminding myself that I'm fine just as I am (normal-weigheted and not stand-out slim or thin or skinny).
• Reminding myself that I don't believe in focusing on weight so much. It's a vain focus. It's stupid. And it doesn't represent who I am. So time to move on.

So, All in all, I've been being a REAL PERSON.

I'd like to change my focus, away from eating and disorders and towards self-care, life, fun, and productivity.

I feel like I've been a fish, swimming beneath the surface of an ocean. I've been trapped in this ocean. Life is outside of the ocean. I've been getting closer and closer to the surface, but I wasn't breaking the surface and leaping into the air, into the outside world. Well, I think I just broke through the surface. Now, I need to just keep reminding myself that that that's where I want to be :)

I think I will be able to remind myself though. I haven't had therapy in 2 or 3 weeks (Jane's out of town), and I don't have therapy for another 2 more weeks, but I think I've been able to act as my own therapist. Sometimes I feel myself falling into low self-esteem or into fear-of-food. And 90% of the time, I'm able to pick myself back up. I literally have an image of a duplicate version of me coming up from me from behind, putting her hands on my back, and encouraging me up and through the cloud so that I don't slip down the drain, but, rather, end up continuing to step forward.

What's at the bottom of this?

Maybe believing that I'm ready to move on and I'm capable of it too.

Maybe I'm believing that I'm better than an eating disorder.

Maybe I'm believing that I have all these other parts of me, and it's time to go put them to use.

Disclaimer: I am not trying to write a post that says "All better!" My post is saying that I'm ready to be. I believe in leaving the ED behind. I believe in seeking after things I want in life. I believe I'm worth it, and that I'm capable. And I am willing to leave behind a thin identity. It won't all come easily and naturally all the time, but I'm going to keep reminding myself.

And, before, I could have "wanted" to leave the ED Behind all day long and it wouldn't have happened. I wasn't able to. I didn't know how.

That isn't the case anymore.

Now I know how.

The only thing left is me choosing to just.... let go.

And I think I'd like to choose that.

By remembering what I believe in, by remembering the other parts of me, and with support that says "yes, it's a good choice to choose to let go," I will be able to choose that.