Sad about the Phases

In order to understand this post, you need to remember (from my last post)"

PHASE A: weight loss behaviors/mindset; aiming for the hungry hallow feeling.

-PHASE A starts to become easy, normal... it starts to work -

-You like Phase A rather a lot, and you feel the need to make sure it stays.-

-Feel the need to "make sure it keeps working. Make sure you never lose PHASE A-

-Enter PHASE B-

PHASE B: in an attempt to keep control of phase A, stricter food rules come in. These food rules are impossible to adhere to because they are so extreme. Inevitably, you break the food rules, causing enormous amounts of guilt and self-hate. You must punish yourself for the guilt and self-hate by making even stricter food rules. Obviously, you are no better at following these, so, as soon as you break these rules, you feel more loads of guilt and self-hate, which you deal with by punishing yourself with even stricture food rules. Phase B is characterized by a cycle of guilt, compensate, guilt, compensate, guilt, compensate

-eventually you feel so out of control you can't stand it. You realize you have to stop-

-enter Phase C-

PHASE C: Make amends with your body. Try to allow yourself to listen to your body, feed it what it wants. Allow yourself to get through the day without hunger. Hunger is not your aim. However, Phase C eventually begins to cause too much discomfort...

And you deal with that discomfort by entering Phase A again. And the cycle continues.

I had a weird day, emotionally. On the surface, and for the majority of the day, I felt upbeat, like I mattered, enthusiastic, included, appreciated.... things along those lines. But, for whatever reason, there was this undertone of unexplained, vague sadness/anxiety.

In the morning, I thought I should write about how I felt, so I could figure out where the sadness was coming from. I thought maybe I should make a list of things that were stressing me out. At the time, I didn't have a paper and pen with me, so I just thought of some things in my head. But none of the things I thought of fully explained how I was feeling.

And now that it's night, and I'm alone, I feel the sadness again. It's not overwhelming. It's not making me cry. It's just making my heart heavy.

And what is this undertone of sadness all about? The more I'm real with myself, the more I think about it, the more I think I might know what it might be about. I might be sad that the eating disorder isn't 100% gone yet. Maybe I'm sad that eating disorders even exist, and that they affect lives - lives of good people. I'm sad that the eating disorder is real. I'm mad? I'm sad? I'm annoyed? I'm sad.

After I quit teaching, I did have a bit of a life freak out. I did delay moving forward - on purpose. I did just kind of freeze up.

But then....

I unfroze.

I started to answer my phone when local friends called.

I started to call friends myself.

I started to make social plans.

I went on dates. (Going on another one tomorrow).

I applied for jobs.

I believed in myself again.

I interviewed.

I got a miniature promotion.

I felt like I was starting to get my life back....

And then, because of a few factors colliding, I started to restrict. It wasn't so harmful. Just small little restrictions in food. Jane likes to say "accidentally falling into anorexia." I suppose that accurately describes the mentality at least. And then, it got out of control for a few days. And then I needed Jane. And then Jane straightened my food/water out... and that lasted for a day, but I still had temptations. And I fought against those temptations well for another day.

But that's where I get sad.

Because I had to spend a day fighting against the temptations. Because I could have been doing other things. My mind had to go focus on "committing to being healthy" at the cost of my mind focusing on developing a full life. And that's sad.

And then today, I wanted that hungry feeling back again. So I got it. I did eat three meals and one snack, but they were way too small, I know I didn't have enough food, I know I avoided the food that my body would have actually preferred, I know I had way too low of blood sugar for the majority of the day.

And I thought about how if I were to tell Jane this were going on today, she'd force me to eat differently. And I would.

So what am I doing? Why was I letting myself do this today?

(Anyone remember my Phase A, Phase B, Phase C description in yesterdays post?)

Well, I realized that, with Jane's help, I had gotten out of Phase B and had entered into Phase C (make amends with my body). And, just as is always my pattern, Phase C caused some anxiety. I preferred to not deal with that.... so, today, I opted to go back into Phase A (manageable restriction).

And it just made me so self aware to realize this.

It made me realize that, still, after this has been going on for 6 years, after I've been receiving professional help for 3 years.... still, I chose to go into Phase A today.

It just made it real.

It made me sooooo far from denial.

And I guess that made me sad.

I don't want to be controlled by this cycle of phases, by this eating disorder or whatever it is.

And I realized that, today, the ed won. Today, I let myself go into Phase A. I tried to justify it by saying "I ate my meals," but I was in Phase A.

And, because I am a person who goes into Phase A, it made me realize how different I am than others.

I sat in the office at the center I work at, and I watched everyone eat. Everyone ate so differently than me. One person non-chalantly ate cookies. Another ate a burrito that looked like it tasted soo good. The three people in the office were swapping bites of each others' lunches and snacks. They were all eating with so much enjoyment and so little planning... And I sat there, having difficulty concentrating because I was so hungry and light headed. At 2pm, I slipped away to go eat a cup of vegetable soup... which I only ate because I thought my brain needed some energy if I was going to have to continue talking in Spanish (I have to use it all day long every day lately, but I'm not confident in my ability).

And I guess I just realized... for maybe the first time... that I was being eating disordered. That I was different from everyone else in that office.

And I realized something else...

if I let it, the ed will get in the way of my life.

it halts the development of a full life.

And i just... I don't want to be that person who sneaks away to get a cup of vegetable soup instead of nonchalantly swapping bites from my coworkers lunch. You know?

And I guess it just made me sad. Because ... I don't know why.... just because.

Even though I cycle through Phase A, B, and C much more rapidly and in less of an extreme way, I still cycle through them. And I don't want to!

Today was the first time that, while it was happening, I acknowledged it. "Oh! I'm entering into Phase A!"

And I remembered how Jane said, "It's painful to come out of the hole. But it's painful to stay in the hole too. So you might as well come out." I also remember how she said, "People try to get out of the hole by going down."

I thought...

And I knew...

I was going down. Not the correct logic to say the least.

And I was sad that that was my strategy.

At the same time, I am also empowered in a way I've never been before. I'm very self aware right now... which gives me the power to not be in Phase A tomorrow.

I don't want this problem lingering anymore - even if it's only lingering in a small way. It does take a toll. It does make me different. It does make me miss out.

It's just sad that it even exists.

It's not nearly as bad as it once was, it's just that recently, for the first time, I'm realizing it was/is real.

And, man, this started as a benign decision to "get healthier." I never would have known that, six years later, I'd be writing blogs like these and having an RD and a T. I never would have known that it would take so long to go away....

Maybe with this new level of self awareness, I can finally leave the cycles behind....