I love Tracy + reflections

I've been spending some time looking back, reading old writings (both on this blog and off), reflecting on the past several years, and putting pieces together and also making some realizations.

Some things I've realized:

• There was actually a problem - a big problem.
• I did have an eating disorder. And, yes, I am still hanging on to parts of it now.
• It actually really negatively affected my life. The problem was hard and bad.

I read what I wrote and my mouth falls open. Nearly three years ago, I wrote notes for myself in preparation for my first appointment with Tracy. I am in shock that my words were true. I told Tracy what I wrote today. Her response was a saddened, "Aw... I remember..." One thing I wrote was, "I just want to be able to eat something besides an apple without hating myself." I also wrote, "I hope that one day I can eat a sandwich without hating myself and totally shutting down, feeling like I am too bad to live." I mean... woah.

Even if you just read this blog from beginning to end, it's like watching a train wreck. I regressed in the late part of the summer, and if you read the writings from May, June, and July it's like just watching a time bomb. I had no perspective at the time. I was definitely in a disordered frame of mind. I read it now and it's just... It's like a relapse cliche. I was in so much denial. I write things like "I can only feel happy if I run a lot and control my food intake." I mean, Hello! And why was I not concerned?

I read things I wrote when I first started following the meal plan, and I realize I definitely remember this in a better light than what it really was. I write things like, "I ate a sandwich today, and I'm trying not to hide in a closet and cry about it. I know it's the right thing to do, but I feel like the worst person on the planet. I need to have a punishment day tomorrow."

I read things from last year - a year when I was actually fairly decent at following the meal plan - and I realize how rigid I still was. I ate ONLY the exact foods specified on the meal plan. When Tracy made meal plans with me, she did not work in terms of exchanges. She literally planned meals with me - like exactly what to eat for breakfast, exactly what to eat for lunch, etc., etc. I was sooooo determined to follow the meal plan last year. In a way, that's good. However, the fact that I deeply depended on a meal plan in order to guide me was still disordered.

I look where I am now and think - wow! Throughout this whole process, you don't notice change in huge increments. Change comes slowly, one minor decision at a time. But, eventually, those minor decisions add up to create huge change. I still am hanging on to parts of the eating disorder, but there has been big change: I can and will eat anything - no fear foods. I do not have rules the way I used to have them. I do not calorie count as meticulously or measure foods. I am more flexible and less rigid with my eating. I do not hate myself after eating or feel guilt. Sometimes I feel anxiety after eating, but it is less often now. I don't follow a meal plan; I feed myself.

I was not looking forward to Tracy's appointment today because I know my food intake has decreased. Yet, at the same time, I am doing well. I thought that if Tracy noticed my decreased food intake, she would get concerned. I want her to realize the progress I've made, so I don't like it when she's concerned. Therefore, I've always just tried to deny the restriction. I've tried to downplay it as a way of getting her to think I'm fine. (I don't think I was doing this consciously - it was just a habit to keep people from telling me I have a problem). It never works. Instead, she sees me downplaying it and minimizing it and that makes her even more concerned. And then a struggle between us ensues.

Today, though, I learned something about handling nutrition appointments. I realized if I'm honest and open, she gets less concerned. I told her the truth today. I told her there is much less cal. counting, less anxiety and guilt and second guessing myself around food. However, I told her that I am purposely eating lightly. I am purposely staying a little hungry. I am avoiding eating starches at lunch and dinner time. I gave her examples of how I am still hanging onto the eating disorder:

• Nearly every day I go to a bagel shop to pick up lunch for others. I am always very hungry. I consider eating a bagel. Instead, I always walk out of there and eat a luna bar instead.
• Yesterday, everyone at my work was eating pizza. I was not eating any pizza even though I was hungry. Instead, I walked next door and ate a luna bar for lunch. I wasn't craving pizza, but I did have this moment where I thought to myself: "Hm, I am feeling like I don't have an eating disorder anymore, but clearly I still do if I am the only one not eating pizza here."
• I haven't eaten peanut butter in over a month
• I am avoiding bread and starches.
• I am avoiding "heavy" foods.

There are other examples like those.

So, the truth is: I am getting more restrictive and I am avoiding certain foods.

But, when I was able to be honest about that - when I talked to Tracy - the conversation went much better.

We were able to work as a team. We were able to trouble shoot together. And, contrary to what I feared, she did not treat me like a fragile eating disordered patient.

She said, "You are able to catch yourself. It's great news that you're aware you're restricting and avoiding certain foods and that you're able to tell me. You used to just try to hide it and sweep it under the rug when you talked with me."

However, because I was honest with her, she was also able to acknowledge my progress. She told me that she thinks I can easily get back to where I was a few weeks ago with my eating without too much discomfort. And she's right about that.

She asked me about how my clothes are fitting - trying to discern if I've lost weight. I told her that I do know that some of my clothes are loser than they were. I told her that yesterday I put on pants that I had worn just a few weeks ago. They were a tiny bit lose a few weeks ago. Yesterday, though, even though they were washed, I had to take them off because they just looked stupid on me.

She told me that I should be okay with my body because my weight is not a high weight so I can stop freaking out about that. She also told me that she thinks I should eat a little more because she really advises against losing weight. She thinks I am losing weight (even though there's no way of knowing - except for clothes - but those lie, seriously. She just thinks that clothes + food intake = evidence enough to conclude I'm losing weight. Not necessarily true at all).

She told me she doesn't want me to lose weight for two reasons: 1) "You don't need to." and 2) "It is such a slippery slope. When people start losing weight when they don't need to it can just trigger the anorexic thoughts."

I used to respond to her saying something like that by thinking "She thinks I'm such an anorexic, but I am not. I never was. So I don't need to take that seriously." However, after reading my old writings, I realize that actually I was in a bad place. I did have a lot of anorexic tendencies and - at one point - did meet the requirements for that disorder. And, heck, even if I had never met the requirements, EDNOS is bad stuff too - and it was a problem. So, when I am less in denial about the past, I am able to agree with her about being wary of slippery slopes brought on by restriction and weight changes.

Together, we noticed that my eating is more normal (in terms of portion and choice of food) when I am with friends. We thought it'd be a good idea to eat more with friends. She thinks that, if I eat more with friends in these next few days, then that would give me a boost I need to get back to eating more normally.

She told me that, in the past, she'd ahve told me to do that and, while I might ahve eaten more at the time of being with friends (to keep everyone's concern at bay), I would have restricted the rest of the meals. However, now she sasy that she thinks eating with friends will just give me a push and I'll be able to sustain it by myself.

I told her that Saturday I'm eating with my friend (Hi Ashley! ARe you reading? Ashley, everyone, is the first person who I knew in real life before blogging that I have allowed to read this blog. Ashley is the girl who I have previously referred to as my friend/sister). Sunday I am eating crepes with Pie Guy. And I told Tracy that I'd make social plans for Monday and Tuesday.

So, goals from here:

• Eat something besides a luna bar for lunch. Get back to eating real food, like a sandwich.
• Eat more with friends
• When I eat a crepe with Pie Guy on Sunday, eat breakfast beforehand

When I am able to look back at all the things I've written and look at it like it's a trainwreck or a time bomb, I am able to accurately assess my behaviors now and realize "okay, time to put a stop to these before they also turn into a trainwreck." That said, I truly think I'm too healthy now to be a trainwreck again. Still, it's worth it to eat more normally.

I told this to Tracy, who responded by saying, "You're seeing yourself get more restrictive. I'm seeing it. And, it's okay. We're working as a team to keep it from getting out of control." Have I mentioned I love Tracy?

I'm not worried. And, I really love that Tracy isn't either. She has faith in my ability to get back to where I was without too much discomfort. I'm glad she realizes that.

I wrote her this e-mail:

Hi Tracy,

I just wanted to say a huge thank you.

I really appreciate that I can be honest with you and, even if I admit I'm getting more restrictive, you don't treat me like some fragile eating disordered patient. I love how, when I talk with you, I feel like we're working as a team.

You have helped me accept myself, trust myself, and learn to eat again. I don't know what would have happened if I had never called you.

Thank you for making me feel so respected and competent.

Have a great rest of your day!

Laura