A worthwhile sesson

JANE'S SESSION:
Jane massively helped today.

First, by eating lunch in her office today I ensured that I actually ate lunch, which put me on a better rhythm of eating than I had been on in a long time. She broke a restriction cycle for me today by doing that. Which, in return, raised my energy levels. Also, it made it so that I wasn't shaky hungry at 10pm at night, which is a better way to spend my evening :)

Second, she made me realize the reality of what has been going on. While it's true that I have been a lot more social lately (which is fun), it's also true that I've been behaviorally really bad and that's not okay. At the same time, I'm not getting worse. It's just that I'm not getting better fast enough.

She said, "It' s just so unfair to you. You're trying so hard but you're just spinning your wheels." I told her that I wasn't just spinning my wheels and I also wasn't trying very hard. She asked me to elaborate, which I did. I told her here's where I'm NOT spinning my wheels: I am not okay with being so hungry I can't socialize or exercise anymore (a few weeks ago I was so hungry I was loosing all things meaningful in my life - like socialization and exercise and my ability to concentrate). I told her I'm no longer feeling "taken down" by the ED. I no longer have food in front of me, look at it, and just can't make myself eat it. If the food is in front of me and I feel hungry, I will eat it. She said all of this was excellent. However, I continued, I am still spinning my wheels in that I don't always go to get food to put in front of me. Also, I find it really hard to make myself eat breakfast. Also, I am counting calories with a little more regularity and I am feeling bad about low numbers. At the same time, it's not "hate myself" bad. It's just "that stinks" bad. She liked my "not black and white" answer.

She talked about the "Leeway theory." That's what she called it anyway. The theory basically states this: Let's say you tell yourself you can only have 2,000 calories a day. Soon enough, 2000 becomes 16000 which becomes 1200 which becoms 1000 which becomes 800 and hen 700 and then 500, etc. I basically have grown over the last little bit to only feel safe with xxx calories, which had gotten there by dwindling down and down. I had talked a/b this with Tracy yesterday. Tracy told Jane. And Jane, early on in the appointment, said, "We need to talk about... (then she held up a post it with the numbers xxx -->xxx-->xxx)." I was like, "Oh. Um.... yeah...." she said, "So, do you want to tell me about that?" It was helpful to talk to her about it because she caught me at every disordered thing I said and REALLy pushed me to find what I truly believed about it. It was kind of an intense, fast paced conversation. She even apologized and asked if she was pushing too hard. No, she wasn't.

Maybe more importantly, though, today Jane helped me realize all the unhealthy, "anorexic thoughts" that I was using to guide all of my decisions. She really pushed me. Every time I said "but...." to her, she said "that would be the anorexic thought. come one, what would be the healthy thought. Come on, come on." She doesn't normally go this fast paced with me, but it was good. She referenced the "mental anguish" that is going through my head at every meal time, and I corrected her by telling her there was no mental anguish. I simply don't even consider eating unless I really am hungry and then I eat just enough. She told me that there's no mental anguish then because I'm letting the anorexia call all the shots, obeying it, have increased food just enough to be able to focus better, and, therefore, everyone's happy. But then she pushed me to come up with healthy alternatives to waht I'm doing - healthy logic, healthy rationales, healthy beliefs. The more I came up with, the more I really believed them.


Jane said, "I really want you to talk back to the anorexia." And I said, "It's just really hard to want to talk back t the anorexia when it takes so much time for the healthy thought to win and, in the mean time, I'm enjoying life." She said, "So, you're basically saying you want to be the healthy version of unhealthy. Because at the healthy version of unhealthy, you can still be happy." And I was like, "I guess so...." She said, "That is a very anorexic thought. Think of this: you want to be the healthy type of unhealthy." I said, "I guess that makes no sense." She said, "But you feel healthy because you still wake up, you don't collapse, you socialize, and you get through your day. How do you know you're not healthy though?" I said, "Um, well I guess your body isn't healthy if you don't get your period. I can't argue against that." She said, "What else?" I said, "I mean, it is impossible for all my organs to have everything they need on xxx calories a day because I'm human and no human body functions well on that." She said, "Exactly. Now, what evidence do you have to tell you that eating sufficient calories a day is okay? The anorexia wants you to be the healthy version of unhealthy. The anorexia says that if you become healthy, you will be the fat version of healthy. So Let's start with talking about getting fat. You can be the normal weight (which would appear thin) version of healthy. You can look at your mom - she's thin. Your dad - he's thin. Your brother and sister - they're thin. They all eat enough calories. They are not huge. The anorexia wants you to think that the only alternative is having your weight sky rocket up, but that's not true. You can notice that you are part of a gene pool of people who have thin bodies and eat sufficient calories." I said, "True." She said, "What else? What other evidence is there to point to the fact that if you eat enough calories you won't become fat?" I said, "Well, in my first year of working with tracy, at one point I was regularly eating a meal plan that was a lot more food than what I'm eating now and I was maintaining a weight that is less than the what I weigh now. So, back then, I was eating more food and not gaining weight." She said, "Okay, what else?" I said, "Eating regularly is good weight management. And, if I deprive my body for too long, eventually it'll be hard to ever have a normal weight because I'll have messed up my metabolism." We went on and on and on - not just about fat but also about how the ED gives you something to feel accomplished by. We talked about how accomplishing anorexia is not really accomplishing anything and I came up with all other kinds of things I want to accomplish instead.

I also told her, "You know, I know I'm not thaaaaat old, but sometimes I feel like "Enough already. I am getting to old for this." I went on to explain how it's not weird or embarassing or abnormal even to have an ED in college. If I were to tell people, "I had an ED in college," people would hardly flinch. I'd even go so far as to say that people purposely experiment with EDs in college and then, when they want to stop, they just do. Poof. It's over. Then there are other people, like me, who didn't purposely start having an ED but also ... it followed me after college and it's still here and I can't just poof it away. I was like, "You know, I'm 24 and I guess maybe it's still not a shocker to have an ED when you're 24... but I feel like having an ED for much longer is just.... it's just getting too old. I'm becoming a real adult and I don't want to be a real adult with an ED as a main part of me." She told me that was an extremely healthy statement and that I should make it a goal to have this under control (not totally resolved, just under control) by my birthday (I turn 25 in March).

Jane wanted to know what would help me to eat regularly. She asked me to set my phone alarm to go off at Breakfast time, lunch time, and dinner time. That way, I can't just get away with no mental anguish. I can't just get away with letting the ED make my choices without me even noticing. She wants me to hear the alarm and, if I have to press snooze a zillion times, fine - but she wants me to hear the alarm, know that htat is the healthy voice telling me it's time to eat. And if my first reaction is, "okay, let's eat!" Then that's great. But if my first reaction is, "I don't have to eat," then I have at least started some mental dialogue. And I can use all the reasons that we came up with together to talk back to the ED. She told me that if the alarm and the messages to her dont' work this week, then she will reccommend IOP and seeing her 3x a week. You know, though, I don't feel scared by the IOP threat or seeing her 3x a week. Because she made me realize today that I do want to eat 3 meals a day and it is healthy to eat normally and healthy is not bad. Healthy is waht I want. Healthy is mature. And just because I have to focus on remembering to eat doesn't mean I have to stop socializing or stop applying to grad school or stop all other parts of my life. Also, she made me not feel embarrased by my inability to feed myself - ha. She told me that she's not sure what I will be able to do. She doesn't know if I'll be able to do it with her 2x a week and tracy 1x a week and messages and phone alarms. She hopes, but she's not sure. But, then she made me feel good about it all. She gave me an analogy of a kid who can't read. The kid can't read - not his fault. So you implement extra tutoring a couple days of a week after school; he still can't read - not his fault. So you increase the tutoring and implement a whole bunch of other techniques. She told me that if I can't get enough calories with the model we're working in, then we have to up treatment. But she didn't say it in a scary way that made me feel incompetent. She told me there's no shame or blame - it just is what it is.

But I do have to take the time to plan when I will eat. She asked me to defend that - why do I have to plan? I ahve to plan because 1) I don't want night eating, 2) I don't wnat sleep eating to begin happening (which it will), and 3) Every other time I've hovered at "healthy version of unhealthy," I've eventually slid right back to unhealthy and that was horrible - so I might as well just avoid that.

Jane really pushed me hard today. She really made me think. She really made me be honest with myself.

ED THOUGHTS I HAVE:
There must be at least 12 hours between eating in one day and eating in the next day.
I might get fat if I am not hungry.
I can be healthy with xxx calories a day.
I am healthy if I am happy.
I am in no danger of slipping to a worse place; in fact, I am in a great place right now - so in control!
I am accomplishing great things when I stay hungry or skip meals
If I eat x,xxx calories a day I am out of control and will get fat.
If I eat x,xxx calories a day then I need to delay eating for as long as possible tomorrow.
There's no reason to eat that (something normal, something that I would want) when I can get by on (something totally not normal and not enough)
There is no reason to eat enough; just eat enough to get by

HEALTHY THOUGHTS I KNOW:
All other humans can eat x,xxx calories a day and maintain a normal/thin body weight.

Breakfast is a healthy choice even if you ate a snack at 11:30pm the night before because breakfast is good for your metabolism, for brain function, for your organs, and is good for weight management.

It's not possible to be healthy at xxx calories a day - even if I'm socializing and happy. Not having your period is not healthy. And it's impossible for your organs to get all that they need. Even if you don't feel your body shutting down (I do have a 24 year old athletic body - it doesn't just shut down easily), my body is taking a beating that can show itself later in life.

If you eat an "unhealthy" food item that you dind't even enjoy, the best response for weight management is to eat the next meal anyway.

Eating in the day stops you from night eating and from bingeing.


Today's food ended up better than it had been in a VERY long time. I ate a tiny bit of breakfast. Then I ate a sandwich with Jane. Then she said, "Are you going to leave here and is the anorexia going to take over and tell you that now that you ate a sandwich you can't eat?" And I said, "Um... well, I don't think I'll hear the commands that clearly. But it will probably tell me to not eat int he afternoon and if I get super hungry then have a bit of something random and small for dinner." She said, "okay, come one, waht is the healthy thought now. What do you say to that?" And I said, "Um.... I guess if I get hungry this afternoon then I'm allowed to eat?" She said, "Yes, and what if you eat a sample at Whole Foods or something and you weren't hungry. What' s the healthy thought about that sample?" And I said, "Um, it was fun to try something new to see if I liked it. It will not affect my weight one way or the other. I still get to have dinner because that is what's best for weight management and mental sanity." She said, "Good. Now, when are you going to eat dinner?" And I said, "Um, after my appoitnment?" She said, "No, not okay, try again. Taht's too late." I said, "Um, okay, before my appointment? at 5:30?" She said, "okay. What will you eat?" And I said, "I'm not sure whatever sounds good." She said, "What if you decide that spinach sounds like a good dinner? What is the healthy thought?" And I said, "Um, I would say that spinach is very healthy and I can still include it in my dinner but it's really not enough food to keep my organs functioning well and to keep me from being hungry late at night. And if I eat something in addition to spinach, I won't feel overly full b/c I won't overeat. I also won't get fat. Because plenty of thin/normal weight people in this world eat dinner without getting fat." Then she told me, "you will need a snack at night. What will you eat?" I told her I wanted to eat pot stickers and that I wanted to eat 7 of them. She was so excited at this response that she said "Okay! okay! can you do that?!"

So, anywya, I left her appointment and felt this strong hunger - so I ate a snack. Then my alarm went off and I "snoozed it" for 30 min while I tried to not eat dinner. But every time the snooze went off, i thought of another reason why eating dinner would be okay. So I ate dinner. YOU GUYS! IT WAS THE BEST DINNER IN THE WORLD!!! A smoked turkey panini with brie and spinach and pesto and aioli. It was amazing. I gave half of it to a homeless woman though and she was like "Waht is it?" And I said, "Turkey with brie" And she said, "Ew! Who puts brie on sandwiches!" (Um.... okay... then can I have my sandwich back?! GEEZ) (it was a huge sandwich though - thick and tall and larger than normal - so half of it isn't as puny as you think)

Then I came home, starving, and had my 7 pot stikcers. But then I was still so so hungry - so I had some cottage cheese and a salad.

I think my stomach got turned on today or something. Seriously, look at what I ate:
11:30pm last night - chicken (went to bed still hungry even after that)
3am - woke up starving - 1 packet of oatmeal + some corn
9am - woke up starving - some yogurt
1pm - starving - 6'' subway turkey with LF mayo
3pm - starving - some mango and a square of dark chocolate
5:30pm - starving - 1/2 a panini with turkey and brie and spinach, pesto, aioli
9pm - starving - 7 gyoza, some cottage cheese, some lettuce with dressing

I feel like I cannot get enough food! Jane said that if I start to eat 3 meals a day my body will want more and more and more to replenish itself. She said that I ahve to listen to that and feed it. If I feed it, it'll work out in my benefit. If I ignore it, it'll come back to bite me in the form of sleep eating or bingeing.

This is the longest blog ever I feel like. I don't even have time to write a/b community development (something exciting happened on that front toda) or the psychiatrist appointment (he basically doesn't think I need meds, but hasn't yet formed a concrete opinion)

Q: I'm enjoying being social... so here's my tricky situation.... I have a friend who, with 2 other friends, wants to go to an art gallery opening tomorrow. This artist makes sculptures of cakes (sounds boring but it's amazing). The gallery opening will feature actual cake, of course - cake meant to be eaten. Everyone I go with will eat a piece of cake. I have these things going on in my head:
1) Go and plan on not eating any cake, but be worried everyone's noticing you're not eating cake.
2) Go and plan on not eating any cake and decide I don't care if everyone's noticing (one girl knows about J and T and was in dance class with me in college when i had to drop out of dance and diving due to ED reasons... so she'll know but that's okay.)
3) Eat B, L, D and one slice of cake (if it's good. if it's not good. stop eating)
4) Don't eat all day long so that I can eat the cake (I know this is wrong)
5) Don't eat dinner and eat cake and call it dinner

I want to go b/c it'd be a fun event and I like the people.... and if I DO NOT GO simply because of the cake then that is SOOOOO NOT OKAY! So how to handle it?

healthy thought: eat the cake b/c it's a cake event. If I like it, keep eating it. No one gained weight from one slice of cake. If I am eating it but notice I'm starting to "go weird" b/c of some internal freak out, then stop eating because it's not worth it. If I'm eating and I don't like it, stop eating. Is that a good plan?

After that I pick up a friend form the airport (coming to visit from NY). She's coming for the weekend! YAY!!!!! She and another one of our mutual friends (who really I hardly know) will be coming back to my place to sleep over. Sat morning we'll stay around where I live. Then we'll go hiking. Then we're going to San Francisco for the afternoon/evening. Sunday and Monday who knows.... but if I'm slow on blogging, this is why.