Weird, quiet session

Sometimes, I just don't get therapy. I don't get why we're talking about what we're talking about and I have nothing to add.

I had one of those weird session with Jane today. It felt like a session out of the first 9 months working with her, where I basically didn't speak or tell her anything. Today, I was so quiet in the session. I came across as shy I think.

I had things to tell her, but I didn't say any of them. I just plain didn't talk.

Things I could have told her but didn't:
1) About the guys beating up the girl the other day and the 911 call, etc.
2) About the fact that I taught 1st grade for nearly a full school day a couple of days ago (a favor to a friend)
3) About the new job I got
4) That I've eaten some of the things that we talked about eating (things I'm craving. I ate stirfry and daal and oven roasted vegetables with a buttery Indian sauce. I also ate spinach with almonds and garlic in it. I ate a corn/musrhoom/spcies mix. I ate some kind of delicious chicken that was baked and had some kind of curry-esque sauce. I ate lox..... If you guys could have been reading my food diary for hte past 2.5 years, you would realize that this type of eating is amazing for me)
5) That I have eaten meals that I was unable to count the calories for
6) That I didn't eat anything yesterday except one plate of dinner. Saturday was even more restrictive than that. However, every day besides Saturday and Wednesday were some of my best food days I've had in over two years actually.
7) About the sleep eating
8) About the jerky guy who I went to dinner with. When I told him I couldn't go, he was very immature about it. His reaction was juvenile. He has since texted me 3x these really immature, jerkish texts. His latest one was sent to me at midnight and said, "I'm in the mood for some peaches and cream. Will you bring me some?" (yeah... right....omg)
9) About going to google for dinner/breakfast last night and this morning and how that place is a crazy crazy crazy place that is like a college campus/amusement park/summer camp

Maybe I didn't say any of those things because I didn't think they were important. But I think I mostly didn't say them because I was afraid of how she would interpret them. I was afraid I'd tell her those things listed above and she'd think that I was just making myself look good or fishing for compliments or bragging or asking for attention.

Examples:
About the guys beating up the girl --> didn't say it because it didn't seem relevant? didn't say it because it would seem like I was just telling some story that made me look good?

About the new job I got --> didn't tell her because it's embarrassing? didn't tell her because I didn't want to receive positive attention?

About the meals I ate that we had talked about eating--> didn't tell her because it might seem like I was bragging?

About the decrease in calorie counting --> didn't tell her because it just seems stupid? like i'm making a big deal out of it for no reason?

About the very restrictive eating Sat and Wed --> didn't tell her because didn't know how to bring it up? didn't tell her because I didn't feel like I was struggling on those days, I just didn't plan well? didn't tell her because I'm already back on track? didn't tell her because it's dumb and I shouldn't be experiencing days like that anymore? didn't tell her because I didn't want it to seem like I was looking for sympathy?

about the jerky guy --> didn't tell her because I can't talk about guys. Even with my friends I've always been the one who never has crushes, never goes on dates, is innocent, yadi yadi... so I didn't tell her because I'm afraid it might come across as showing off or bragging that I met a new male "friend."... that I almost went on a date...

I guess it's just Jane though. I love her and trust her so much. It's just Jane. I can say things to her. And I should stop questioning if it's something I should be saying or not. I guess I can say anything to her even if I'm afraid it might give me positive attention.

Jane said, "I'm sitting here thinking, 'What is it Laura wants to tell me?" So, what is it you want to tell me?"

I said "I don't know. I have nothing to say. It's embarrasing. Everything's embarrasing."

She said, "Why is it embarrasing?"

ME: I have things I could tell you but there's no point to them now. I mean am I just supposed to tell you arbitrary things about my life? it just seems like I'm drawing attention to myself and they're not even important things that I need help on anyway.

JANE: So if you get attention, what's wrong with that?

ME: Um... it seems like it'll be interpreted wrong.

JANE: How might you saying the thing that would give you attention be interpretted wrong?

ME: People might think I'm fishing for attention or people might think I'm being arrogant or in need of more help than I actually need or in need of sympathy or something.

JANE: And if people think you're needy, what are you afraid of?

ME: That I'd be too needy.

JANE: This is like how you never want a wedding because you don't want a whole day around you. It's also like how you refused to have birthday parties growing up because you didn't want a whole day around you. In gymnastics, you were the one who never wore grips (devices you wear on your hands to help you grip the bar) and always did the bars without assistance of grips. You were the one who didn't need support or affection or compliments or food.

ME: I guess that's right.

Jane clearly wants to get into this more but I just don't know how to participate in the conversation. I don't know how to "be real." I just feel like none of it matters. It' slike I don't "Get" therapy at times like this. It's like hse says things and I'm like "yeah, probably that's right... but.. so?" But instead of saying "so?" I just become quiet and shy.

JANE: If you actually expressed your needs to people, how do you think they'd react? If you actually were totally honest to people at all times.

ME: Some people woudl like it because it's nice to see the vulnerable side of people who never show that side. Other people... well I guess they'd still like me... but basically I'd just be not being the person they expect me to be. People expect me to be the one with no needs.

JANE: Like how you made the rule that you would never cry for all of middle school. So people expect you to be the one who doesn't cry.

ME: Yeah I guess (and I'm wondeirng, why are we talking about this? Why does this matter?)

JANE: What else do people expect of you?

ME: Sometimes they expect me to be more successful than I relaly can be; they expect me to be endlessly energetic and never have problems; they expect me to not date or have crushes; they expect me to be in a good mood;

....

then we started talking about the need for external feed back to feel good about yourself. I told her that maybe I dont' like saying things because I'm afraid they'll receive positive attention. Like, I hated when I got into college. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to think I was bragging. I loved living in Japan and I have a hard time telling people that I lived there since I'm afraid it'll be seen as bragging. I don't post my birthday on FB because I'm afraid it'll be seen as if I'm asking for birthday wishes on my birthday. Writing this out makes this all seem silly. I know people wouldn't think I was an arrogant bragger by posting my bday on FB, by telling ppl I got into college, by stating the truth that I lived in Japan for a while.

Jane said that I swing too far to the humble, minimizing side of things because I'm afraid of people thinking I'm an arrogant bragger or a person in need of support or attention. She says that all humans need attention and affirmation, though. Therefore, instead of communicating my need for support, I just earn it twice over by working hard and being nice. (Funny, when I taught my second year, my classroom had 4 big goals. 3 of them were academic, but the # 1 goal was "Be Nice and Polite") Then, after working hard enough adn being nice enough, you do get positive attention. However, Jane's theory continues, that I dont' actually like or know how to handle the positive attention so then i don't know what to do once I get it.

I dont' know. I guess I just don't know why we're talking about this. I think I'm not very self-aware in this regard. I also don't get the point.



Maybe I didn't talk because I just have no reactions to what we ended up talking about.

On a different note, I had the best dinner ever! I'm learning that I need to eat before going to the fro yo store at night or right after I get thre. I had a zillion veggies and some tofu with some stir-fry sauce over something called "freekeh." Freekeh resembles rice of quinoa. I got it at trader joe's.

Tomorrow will be a fun day. Here's what I'm doing:
Running
Talking to Tracy
Doing a lot of pre-training work that I need to do for this new job (R, I am going to e-mail you)
Watching Grey's with Nicole (former roommate)
Eating lunch with a friend
Working at the fro yo store at night.

I'm looking forward to talking to Tracy. I really need her honest feedback about how normal my eaitng is (or isn't). It seems like I'm eating so much more lately. It doen't always feel bad to be eating more either... anyway, i just wnat to know if she thinks it's too much or just right.