I just finished writing this post and u know hwat it made me feel? It made me feel excited to eat tomorrow. Not stuff-your-face eat ... but feel healthy and feed myself well and eat all of the meals. Now I can't wait to wake up and eat breakfast. I htink I might eat a few gyoza (like potstickers) for breakfast. I know, totally random breakfast but I was going to eat them for dinner tonight (but, um, didn't really eat real dinner - besides fro yo), but I still want them. So now lksdjf;akjfsk ooooh! i'm excited. I'm going to eat all 3 meals tomorrow and feel normal and okay about it AND still have fun. i am going to eat AND have a life at the same time (it's not one or the other this time) - clearly this post also made me hyper. If this post inspired me to eat, then I better re-read it in the morning :) haha, i go to the psychiatrist tomorrow and i think he's going to be like "I prescribe you with turn-off-the-brain-and-just-chill-and-stop-thinking-and-why-are-you-so-hyper medicine :) "
- Got together with my friend who I met in Spain. She was in the area for just a day en route to somewhere else (her bro was visiting a college near me). I met her, her boyfriend (who is also from Spain), and her brother for lunch. We spoke in Spanish for the whole lunch, which was nice reassurance for me that I haven't completely forgotten all of my Spanish. I had assumed that since I wasn't using it on a daily basis anymore that I had forgotten it.
- I got a lot of errands/chores done - which made me feel accomplished and productive. Spent the day at Kinkos, the P.O., my school district's HR office, and the bank. OH! YOU GUYS! DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN DEPOSIT CHECKS THROUGH THE ATM MACHINE?!!?!?!?!? WOW!!!!!
- I have to take my car in tomorrow. A piece from underneath the car is falling off and dragging on the road as I drive it. Hopefully they can fix it because I have to drive to Jane's and to the psychiatrist's tomorrow.
- I am not okay with doing a meal plan or an exchange program or a "must eat starch thing" b/c I AM SO DONE WITH THINKING ABOUT FOOD! SERIOUSLY! I haven't been consumed with thoughts about it, but I feel like I'm being told "you better focus on this." NO! I will not! I will focus on it in that I need to eat it - that is true - I do need to make sure I eat it (3 meals a day at least) - but I am not going to analyze my every bite "Is this a balanced meal?" "Is this an ED bite or a Laura bite?" OH EM GEE I AM SICK OF IT ALL AND I AMR EADY TO MOVE ON!!! I AM MOVING ON, IN FACT. okay, no one recently chastized me (not even Tracy), so I don't know where all this is comoing from. Maybe it's coming from talks of IOP and Meal Support Programs (brought up by Jane and Tracy), BUT CAN'T THEY SEE I AM EATING WAY MORE AND I AM WAY HAPPIER THAN I EVER HAVE BEEN IN 2 YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! AND, btw, an IOP or a meal support program is not going to help - b/c I don't care - i don't care if my meal is robust enough or if it has starches and proteins and fats. U know what I care about? I care about feeling energetic, having friends, having a future, being a good little frozen yogurt store worker, studying for GREs, trying to make decisions about jobs/etc. I do not care whatsoever about making my meals "perfect." Ok, I really don't know where this rant is coming from... I do recognize that I need to learn to be happy AND eat regularly. And the not eating regularly thing is bothering me and that's why I do want to eat 3 meals a day and snacks - but beyond that, I don't care. I don't care about fat or protein or starch. It'd be lying to say i don't care about calories, but I'm only counting them when i feel guilty and - even when i feel guilty - i'm not letting it give me cause to go hibernate from the world (like I used to). I just want people to help me eat 3 meals a day and to help me move forward and life and to not care if my lunch was 100, 200, 300, 400, or 500 calories. I want people to not care if I was missing a starch or missing a fat (yes, i might have been missing that. But you know what I was gaining? I was having a wonderful conversation! I picked a food off the menu that I really wanted to eat <--okay, that one is not always true.... ) I feel like I want to run off into life and people keep catching me, brining me back and telling me I'm not ready. No, I am ready. I am not saing I don't have a food problem - I do - I skip meals and I eat too little lately - but I want to solve that and I'm willing to solve that AND move forward in life. okay... off of my soap box..... I am living life right now and while I'm not eating perfectly, I am happy and I am becoming more and more socially connected and believing in myself more and more and looking forward to the future! Jane and Tracy are still helpful and I important too (food is something that is a problem in my life and I am depending on them right now to keep it stable - so yes, i do nee dthem - and it is helpful for them to talk to me about things like getting myself to eat and helping me get a rhythm going), but I just don't care about food! I am not going to strive to eat in some perfect way! Yes, I will strive to eat 3 meals a day - but I am ready to just leave all the annoying food mandates behind! I can strive to eat normally, but I cannot be pinned down with specifics or exchanges etc. etc. I just want to do what is necessary for me to feel good and move forward in life. I AM DONE THINKING ABOUT FOOD AND I DO NOT SPEND MY EVERY WAKING HOUR THINKING OR WORRYING ABOUT IT - i don't - so that's good. and yeah, there's room to improve but i am just not going to do any random detailed goals. I am becomign more and more aware of what I need and want and I'm willing to stand up for that and push for that. I'm okay in the way that it matters. I don't always eat perfectly or even eat enough or even eat well. But I'm working on it and I know I'll be fine.
- Had my appointment with Tracy today - first appointment in 2 weeks. She hardly looked at my food diary; we rarely go over it food for food anymore. She still scans it and gets a general sense and we still talk about a couple of days in detail. Instead we talked about my parents, about moving home vs. staying where I am, about Jane, about why eating is hard, about calorie cut offs and guilt, about what I need to improve, and about how insights and motivation are not enough to just poof me "better," because if that were enough I "wouldn't have an eating disorder," etc. She is a very helpful person! She is a nutritionist/life coach/therapist/mother to me. She told me if I can't do 3 meals a day then maybe I can talk to her for half as long twice a week so that I only have to do 3 meals for a few days at a time in b/w appts. The first day of 3 meals a day will be hard, but after that I assume it'll be doable. I need to structure my days more. I could use meals as a way to structure them.... Tracy would probably love that idea.
- Tracy gave me 1 goal: 3 meals a day. That's all. She gave me another goal that I cannot commit to (because it seems too much like a diet and a food plan), but I told her I would keep it in my head and do it when I felt it was a natural thing to do: eat starch at every meal. She says she thinks I wake up not thinking straight b/c I must have low blood sugar all the time and, if I'm not thinking straight, I'm not going to be likely to start the day in a non-dsordered way. If I eat more starch, my blood sugar will be better and I'll think more clearly. That was her rationale for the goal. Plus, I think she just doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm not afraid of starch - it's just that I'm not going to just eat it for the sake of eating it, but I will eat it when I want to. She told me that eating starch is essential for bulimic patients because they binge way more when they don't eat enough of it. That's nice, but I haven't binged in a long time and I also am not bulimic so.....
- I want to eat 3 meals a day, which means I have to eat breakfast. It's easier to eat breakfast when I don't eat at night the day before. But the only way to not eat at night is either to just be very hungry (which I won't do) or to eat enough earlier in the day (which would mean eating breakfast). So, the only way to break the cycle of eat nothing, eat dinner, feel shaky hungry by 10pm, eat a snack at 11:30pm, feel like I can't eat breakfast b/c I have a 12-hour-must-pass-between-dinner-and-breakfast-rule and now that I ate a snack that means my next meal can't be until lunch, therefore skip breakfast, then just skip lunch or eat a super light lunch because now I already got the bad ED thought process going, then eat dinner, then get shaky hungry, then eat a snack, then feel like I can't eat tomorrow b/c I ate a snack, and the cycle starts over..... the only way to break that cycle is to just force myself to eat breakfast. I won't feel too full. I don't have to stuff myself. I won't become instantly fat. There are actually only benefits to eating breakfast: I will break the cycle, I will not be in a restrictive mindset, I will be more likely to not need a snack at 11:30pm. Tonight my 11:30pm snack was chicken.
- I have an appointment with Jane tomorrow and I have to bring a sandwich and eat it with her. I could just not eat breakfast, eat the sandwich, and have no food plan for the rest of the day - but I won't do that because 1) I want to meet the goal of eating 3 meals a day (which means I actually have to eat breakfast) and 2) if I'm going to have to eat with my therapist, I might as well do it in a situation that's hard. Hard = eating breakfast (even though I ate chicken at 11:30pm) and then having to eat a sandwich. BUT, if I am able to do that, I will have broken the ED mindset for the day and I'll be able to eat a normal dinner and then I wont' feel shaky hungry by 10pm and then I won't need a snack in a desparate way and then I'll have broken the cycle. This is why breakfast tomorrow is essential!
- I also have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow. I have never been to a psychiatrist before. I have no idea really why I'm there. I had to answer questions on a form and fax them into him... but, really, I kinda feel like I don't really need meds and I don't know what to tell him. I do not feel like i need meds, but i am open to them.
- I get to see my friend tomorrow! I'm going to the MRI lab where she works and then we're going on a walk and maybe to coffee. This is the same friend that I ate pizza with the other day.
- other than that, i've just been thinking a lot about future things - where to live, what to do on the job front, decisions decisions. Just turning over pros and cons in my head all day long... trying to get to the right decision.
- I'm tired. it's 12:46. If I'm goign to wake up at 7am, I gg to bed! At least I'm tired. I should be thankful for that.
- I am so thirsty. Why am I always soooo thirsty?! I'm always so thirsty. My mom used to always take me to get tested for diabetes (Um, no, if I had diabetes without being diagnosed I would have gone into a shock by now). When I was a kid, I used to tell my mom, "Mom I am so hungry I'm going to shake and die and I'm so thirsty I am going to drink the whole city." (Dramatic? Um.... ha....) And then I would lie down on the kitchen floor and she would make me a plate of pasta and I would eat it and breathe a sigh of relief when I finished... and then I'd run out and play again.
- MY GOALS NOW: eat 3 meals. pick mostly healthy ingredients. make myself feel good and energetic. don't give a flying f-word about how "balanced" or how many "starches" or "proteins" or "fats" (why am i using quotes?) are in it. All I care about is how the meal will make me feel. Do I like the taste? Will it make me feel guilty? Will it make me feel healthy? Those are the only Qs I care about.
I'm going to do what some other people are doing.....
LIST OF GOOD, HAPPY, YAY THINGS:
1. My coffee was made perfectly this morning
2. Realized I can still carry on a conversation in Spanish
3. Talked to 2 teachers I worked with last year
4. Talked to 3 students from last yaer
5. Crossed several nagging items off my to-do list.
6. Deposited a check and saw my bank account grow
7. Talked to a friend on the phone and we made really fun plans for this weekend! (hiking, sleep over, party with liquor filled cupcakes, etc. etc.)
8. Talked openly to my mom about eating. She asked "How's your eating?" And "Did you eat lunch?" and "Did you eat dinner?" without me freaking out and with us being able to deal with those questions and then move onto other topics without me feeling like I was being demeaned or treated like a baby or living in some police state.
9. I remembered several customer's first names and hometowns and favorite flavors today, which made them smile (which then made me smile).
10. I love Tracy.
11. Tracy told me Jane "cares so much and really gets me" and she can supposedly tell because the messages that Jane leaves Tracy have changed in the last few months (correlates to when I became more open with Jane).
12. When I think of the bad parts of today, I can only think of one (I feel guilty for eating frozen yogurt), and only one bad part is really a pretty impressive thing.
13. I helped an elderly man put groceries in his car today, which made me feel good.
14. I drank lot of liquids, which helped with some digestive (or lack thereof) issues I've been having (sorry for the TMI)
15. I almost slipped in the shower today - which would be a bad thing - but I felt like I was ice skating for a second - and that was a fun feeling :)
16. I am looking at a pretty flower right now
WOW, I LOVE MAKING HAPPY LISTS!!!!!
I'm glad you're having such fun times now, despite all your stressors! Isn't it odd, sometimes, how some parts of your life can be happy and normal, and others are so messed up and crazy? I'm kind of in a spot like that, and it's so hard for me to answer the question "how are you?" because I have to clarify, in regards to what.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, good luck tomorrow with the meals and the eating! I hope you try to eat a balanced diet, remembering that a balanced diet includes starches and fat :) Also, I'm sure you probably know this, but did you know that when you're starving, all you think about is food? Also, did you know that your brain lives on glycogen, which you get from carbs? And you can't get brain food from any other place execpt food...which means your brain can't use energy reserves to fuel it. If you already knew this I'm sorry I didn't mean to insult your intelligence!
Ah my comments are always so long...hope you have a good day!! :)
Whoa, you're right, this is a VERY hyper post! :D Good for you! It definitely looks like you're improving so much, and it's great that you're done counting calories, etc... This is a really great step, in my highly qualified opinion. ^^
ReplyDeleteOk it still look's like a lot of problems with food. Espc rules like don't eat for 12 hours. Now as to a MP - What I was thinking of as a MP was just 1)breakfast 3 hour's later
ReplyDelete2)Snack 3 hour's later
3) Lunch 3 hour's later
4) Snack 3 hour's later
5) Dinner
And if you get hungry after that another snack.
I know you know enough about food to eat most of the thing's that you need. And I agree with Heather, your brain need's carb's! But I think you know that.
I'm happy you are taking such good steps. Just remember thinking about them is not doing. Now follow through!
I'm glad you have such a positive attitude! It's good to hear you believing in yourself right now!
ReplyDeleteThe only thin I would add is to say that I don't think that adding a starch to every meal sounds too strict or regimented. if anything, It sounds like an easy way to be sure you are getting what you need without having to think about it too much.
Actually I didn't know anything you said about my brain and glycogen and carbs, Heather - so thank you!
ReplyDeleteDavid, that's the kind of meal plan I'm aiming for right now. That's the kind of meal plan I want to do.
THF and Lisa, thanks for the support :)
ReplyDeletehmmm. for a person who doesn't care about food, you sure wrote a lot about it. I'm not sure why the rant either, but I have a feeling that there's something going on to make you feel like you had to write so much about not caring about exactly what you eat. Why not just, 'eating three meals a day is a balanced way to live, so that's what I'm going to do...' ?
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, i'm all for the hyper fun stuff. I just got a little uneasy feeling reading this, and I'm not sure why...Maybe it reminds me of black or white super achiever i'm fine i'm fine i don't have a problem Laura? I don't know. I felt the exact same way yesterday, got so frustrated in my session with Liz- I was SO sick of having to have the conversation basically, 'how am I going to deal with Jason being out of town for one night'. How am I going to deal eating wise (when he's gone I don't eat, or binge and purge most of the time..) And I just got so mad and frustrated. Like, REALLY? We are still having this conversation!? I"M SO SICK OF THIS! Later when I thought about it I thought, I am frustrated because I continue to not change my behavior. I'm going to keep being frustrated until I change the behavior that is causing me to be mad at myself. I need to eat three balanced meals a day- how freaking simple is that? It's not simple, but I'm going to go back to being patient and working towards it.
Anyway that was a long tangent..My point is I'm just a little worried when I see this side of you, because not far behind is often the exact other side of the coin..please just continue to be patient with yourself. You have an eating disorder. It's not all of you, just part. But it is part, and you can't just throw it away in a second. Give yourself time, be patient, and make small progress forward. You'll get there.
When I first heard that I was suprised too! But, thinking back, whenever my head was foggy and my thinking was off, it was because I hadn't had enough carbs. And, whenever I feel weird during the day, if I eat a roll or something I feel much better!
ReplyDeleteI have lots of facts about this kinda stuff...you'd be suprised what not eating enough does to your body...osteopenia, if you don't eat enough protein it eats at your muscles (!! your heart is a muscle), buncha crazy stuff. Its scary.
I hope, that you have a good Friday and can eat 3 meals, that are well balanced :)
Blu, you are right (like always :) )....
ReplyDeleteI'll write a calmer, clearer post tonight. I had an excellent session with Jane.
It's really good to hear you so positive! Keep up on the positive thinking, it's the best thing, because with the positive thoughts, you'll develop the drive to make a life that you really love to live.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jena. You really get me. I think what you said about positive thinking is so dead on.
ReplyDelete