Keep going no matter the cost

All I have to say is this:

When you are 100% convinced you don't want to be someone with food issues....

When you are 100% aware of the way you want to eat (a healthy way) and can imagine it in detail....

When you are 100% convinced you have what it takes to leave behind all eating disordered food issues and be someone thriving with out those issues....

When you are 100% convinced it is possible (for you too) to be an adult who eats well, who doesn't restrict, who doesn't binge because (s)he never deprives herself, has outward and external energy and maintains a normal weight that is right for her/him....

when you know you don't want to be the adult who is caught up in food/body thoughts.....

When you know you want to be the person who is capable of being a role model for younger boys and girls....


When you know and believe all of this....

and yet...

You want to go back to the time when a deep hunger was the norm...
You want to restrict....


Then....

You feel really bad.
Because you can't do what you want to do.
And you feel fat. and worthless. and mad at yourself. and your throat feels tight because you cannot do what you want to do...

So you're left...

knowing that by "being strong" and aiming for health even when you want hunger, you're doing the right thing....

Because at least you could tell a little boy or girl with complete honesty about the choice you made (to be healthy and eat well) and know that it's okay for you to be honest to children about your actions... becuase they are healthy actions. and if those children were to grow up like you, that'd be okay.

Because at least you know you're not dissapointing your friends and therapists and nutritionists....

Because at least your hair will stay healthy and your hormones will normalize

Because if it's possible for all of this to end, then it's worth it to keep going.

If the only way for it to end if for you to keep going, then you have no choice but to keep going...

But...

I'll be honest...

I do not like it one bit at this moment.
I feel like it will never end.
I know that as I keep going, I'll feel like I totally suck.
And I have to just put up with that "I suck" feeling.
And I guess that's just what you ahve to do?

kay.
fine.

I just wish I could see myself as someone else could see me.
I wnat to know how fat I really am.
I wnat to know if I really am gross and awful.

Like, when people see me, do they think about how huge I am? Do they think "woah. she looks inflated!"

I need to stop thinking now.

Stop thinking and just do.

Sometimes it's easy.
Sometiems it's not.

Just because it' shard now doesn't mean it won't be easy tomorrow.

I had a bad food weekend. It was because I was busy. That's not an excuse. I'm ashamed and mad at myself.


So...

weekend lesson: Eating well (for me at least) requires daily effort, preparation, and attention. That is not the same as obsession.

I want to return to be super restrictive, but I don't actually want that so I can't. and that leaves me feeling bad.

But, as I said, moving forward is the right choice. It's also the hard choice. IT means I have to tolerate all kinds of crappy feelings.

So - I enter this week... with attention towards food. I just have to have attention on food. It's not the same as obsession.

I guess I'm just mad at myself that it even requires attention.

it's just eating.
it shouldn't require attention.

why is this still hard? This has been going on for too long. I can believe that it will end. I can even believe that I can have this under easier control this year.

But there are moments - like now - where I feel like it will never end.

okay. clearly i have to still try. I can't just not pay attention and expect myself to eat well.

and it will end.

it will end sooner if I don't runb ack to restriction tomorrow.

motivation has not waned.
but i've learned that if I don't be careful, food ends up sucking.

So,
I keep going.

But it's really hard.

I think in the past, I wanted to restrict and I did.
Now, I want to restrict and I know I can't.
And that makes my throat tight.

Sorry for the melodrama.

I'll be normal again tomorrow.

Just a few days ago, I was feeling very not eating disordered. I'll get back to that palce again. I know I will.

I've never found this to be as hard as I am finding it now. Maybe it's because, before, int he back of my mind, I always knew I could go back to restricting. Now, I know I can't. I know I won't. I know I'm committed to moving forward at all costs.

Maybe it's because it's late.
Maybe it's because I've been so busy all weekend.
Maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived.

But this is so hard. I feel bad. I hate it. I really really hate this.

OH. INSIGHT: Restricting is easy, that's why it's desirable. Eating in the healthy way I want to eat is what I actually want, but it requires effort, planning, and time (shopping and preparation). I just want restricting because it's easy. So the asnwer is not restricting. The answer is to accept that i need to spend time and effort and thought on food in order for "healthy" and "Regularly" to come naturally.

Kay, get over myself.

I'm over myself now.

I'm grateful for a zillion things. Time to focus on those.

I'm grateful for:
1) Jane and Tracy
2) You all
3) Being financially independent from my parents
4) My parents and brother and sister
5) Growing up in a situation that made it easy for me to go to college
6) Having a college education
7) Speaking 2.5 languages (0.5 b/c I'm losing my Japanese quickly)
8) Being healthy (you know what I mean haha)
9) My family and friends being healthy (Well, Nicole has swine flu....)
10) A washer and dryer in my apartment
11) My cell phone
12) Music
13) The fact that I enjoy running
14) My students letting me into their lives and continuing to do so via phone calls
15) The fact that my shower has good water pressure
16) Coffee
17) the weather in the Bay Area
18) I can read and like reading better than TV or Movies
19) I have a zoloft prescription in my possession that I may fill whenever I choose
20) Trader Joe's
21) I have a car and a computer
22) I believe I can be okay without an ED and I know that the only way to get there is to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

kay, better mood now, off to bed.