Something is happening that is making me nervous - but I think it's ultimately good. What's happening is that I am messing up with food and still able to function. It used to be I'd overeat (actually overeat or just eat more than I wanted to. both happened) and I literally could not function. I was too mad at myself to function. I felt like I was walking in a haze. I felt like I just shut down. I couldn't do anything - no talking, no homework, no productivity, no relaxing, no nothing - just a haze - paralyzed - zoned out - self-hating - frozen. Recently, I've noticed that I'll overeat, and I'll feel like I should hate myself. I should be in a haze. ..... but.....the truth is..... I'm not in a haze and I don't hate myself. Do I wish I didn't overeat? Yes, of course. Do I consider not eating tomorrow to make up for it? Yes, of course. But do I stop functioning? No. Do I hate myself? No. Do I feel fat? Yes. But do I still function even though I feel fat? Yes. Yes, I do.
Tonight I ate a lot of frozen yogurt and ice cream. It started to get a little bingey. I started eating because I was hungry. But then that frenzied feeling came and I ate more and felt guilty and anxious while eating. It had gone past the point of "snack" and into "overeating/binge" zone. It hought, "I'm bingeing. I am doing this because it gives me some short-term benefit. Ha! What benefit? I feel horrible right now. I can't wait until the fro yo/ice cream combo I have here is gone so that I can stop eating. In fact, there is no short-term benefit. Right now I'm feeling more and more anxious and I know I'll feel calmer the second I stop eating. " Oh! I can stop eating it any time." So I stopped and felt so much better.
The important part is how I react to this.
First, I counted calories. I decided I had eaten about 6,000 calories (actually, the way my mind worked was: addition, addition, addition = some number that is higher than 1,000 but I still have food to account for so this is scary so let's just decide on 3,000 and then I forgot to count that spoonful of ice cream so let's just double it for good measure and we get 6,000. Nice logic, huh? lol). The next thing I decided to do was count the calories again. Then I thought, "Stop. If you count the calories are you going to feel better or worse?" The answer: worse. And if you feel worse, what will you do? Will that inspire you to punish yourself by restricting tomorrow? Do you need to feel worse so that you hate yourself enough so that you can fix this problem? And I realized that no, no, no, no.... feeling worse will not be effective. So I didn't recount the calories. Actually, it was hard to not recount the calories so I started talking (b/c I cannot easily talk and count at the same time).
Second, I thought about how fat I was. And I started calling myself fat names in my head. Then I tried to remain realistic: "If you were fat, you would not wear a size x." But that argument (which Jane tries to use on me) never works b/c I simply combat it with "Oh, but size x from store A is really a size z. Their sizes are big as a marketing tool." And then I thought, "Enough already! I'm tired of hating myself for eating!" It actually got tiring to think over and over agian how fat I was. I just didn't want to think it anymore. I decided to just say, "Okay. Yes. Fat. I know. Whatever. I don't need any convincing. I'm convinced already." And that somehow put an end to the madness. My head relaxed. I was fat and that was that and I didn't need to hear any more insults.
Third, I thought about how I should not eat all day tomorrow. That's what you're supposed to do in situations like this, right? Compensate, right? Then I thought about how that's going against what I want. Somehow, I had recently figured out that the person I want to be eats. REally? Even in this situation? Then I thought about how I'd have to talk to Tracy tomorrow and tell her I didn't eat all day. Then I thought about how I knew not eating is the wrong answer. Didn't I just finish telilng Jane yesterday how I am stronger now? Is compensating being strong? No. What does it mean to be strong in this situation? It means t remember my core. Remember what I value and who I am and who I want to be. Well, who I want to be doesn't give a crap about if they overeate. They don't purposely try to overeat but, when they do overeat, they don't "Fix it." Oh yeah! speaking of "fixing" things... didn't I just tell Jane how I've realized I don't need to "Fix" things. I don't need to "fix" feelings of fatness or inadequacy or failure. I don't need to "fix" myself. Didn't I just tell her I don't need to fix myself b/c I'm fine as I am? So why am I trying to "fix" this. If I can't fix it, what do I do? I just move on even though I overate. Am I really allowed to just move on even though I overate?! For real?! Can I let myself off the hook that easily? Well, yes, yes, I can. Not eating tomorrow is the wrong answer. I knwo that, but I kind of forget why. Why is it the wrong answer? 1) Tonight's overeating was caused by undereating all day so if I restrict tomorrow I'm just setting myself up. 2) People overeat sometimes and eat normally the next day and those peoples' weight is stable. 3) The person I want to be doesn't do the starve thing. The starve thing is annoying and I don't want to be annoying. But can't I just do it for one day? Do I REALLY want to do it for one day, though? Wouldn't it be better if you just didn't? Yes, yes it would be better. Do I really want to spend all that energy making sure I'm adequately making up for 6,000 calories? No, I don't. I dont' want to. Hey! Guess what?! You don't have to! You can relax. You can forgive yourself. You can not care. You can move on! If you eat normally tomorrow, you'll look back at this night as just a blip. No big deal. Hm.... Is it really the right choice to eat tomorrow?
Fourth I thought, "It could have been worse. I could have eaten even more. I could ahve eaten t the point where I felt stuffed. I could have put toppings all over it. I could have eaten the entire bag of trail mix earlier today but I didn't. I could have binged all day long. I could have binged worse."
Fifth I thought, "I might be fat, but if I were 300 pounds, I would feel really thin right now. So, it's all perspective. To another person, I'm thin. So how about I just pretend that I was 300 pounds 10 min ago and then I poofed tot his weight. If that had happened, I'd be ecstatic! So we'll just pretend htat just happened. See, I should be grateful.... because I COULD be fatter." (even though I know I don't really believe weight is a measure of self worth. I mean, I clearly use it as a measure of self-worth for myself, but I believe I shouldn't.)
What do I want in my heart of hearts? What do I really want to do tomorrow? Tonight? How do I want to fix this?
Answer: I don't want to fix it. I don't want to feel bad. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL BAD. I WANT TO JUST MOVE ON. I WANT TO BE FREED TO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. okay! okay then! you don't have to feel bad about it! you did not commit a crime by eating more than you planned! you DO NOT HAVE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! I don't? No, you don't. You know you don't want to re-do this day tomorrow. You arleady know that. So you won't. You don't need to feel bad about it. You'll just aim to have a better day tomorrow - because a better day would amek you feel better. You will be fine tomorrow. You do not need to hate yourself to ensure that happens. You can go relax now. You can relax. .... I can relax.
Finally, I thought "How would the Evolved Me respond to this? How would the person I'd be proud to be respond to this?"
I realized the person I'd be proud to be would respond in the following way:
"hahaha, wow, that was a lot of sugar tonight. Wowzer! That did not feel good. Geez Louise! Silly me :) I can't wait to enjoy healthy, wholesome food tomorrow. My body needs some real food in it. shrugs shoulders. smiles. okay, well, let's get ready for bed now shall we."
The end. End of story. Tomorrow, Evolved Me would probably pick healthy ingredients. Ingredinets that made her feel well and healthy and good. She would not be in a restrictive mindset - simply a "make my body feel good" mindset. No calorie counting. Just nutritous, healthful foods. And what will happen to Evolved Me's weight? Nothing significant. If it increases, it will decrease again. The Evolved me will live in the present. Because NOW IS NOW - now is not "make up for yesterday."
So, that's the reaction I will have.
A peaceful reaction.
A.... give it up already... whatever... let's move on.... it'll all even out in the end... reaction.
And on that note...
Shrug.
Smile.
Off to bed.
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WOW! Ok that was a big post but very good. For the counting, try to count something else. Since I still write out everything that goes into my mouth, if I start to count calories, I will count the number of letter's in the food add them up and play with them and it make's me forget to add the calories up.
ReplyDeleteI had some fudge the other night, a huge binge food for me. I didn't portion it out or even worry about it. I ate till I wanted to stop. My body acctualy told me to stop. It was so good! People eat desert! Then don't need to make up for it the next day. I'm found a way not to. Keep fighting it!
I still have no idea how you can work in a fro you store and not put your head under one of the tap's when the store is empty. Or just go nut's on the rainbow sprinkles. Those are my favs.
Wowzer! This post was exactly what I needed to read today. I woke up this morning thinking about how I needed to do a long run and not eat anything with actual calories because I did a ton of mindless eating last night and it kind of developed into a binge...now I'm trying your response - silly me! {shrug}
ReplyDeleteOk I'm going to buy some healthy, real food that I will enjoy (b/c there's not much in my house right now) so I can prepare normal, balanced meals today.
Yes, Bluecat, that is how I have felt many a day. It's not the right answer though. Move on. Let last night just be a "blip." Eat nutritiously today. Don't force feed yourself. But eat enough. Eat enough so that you're not still attached to yesterday. As we know, that just starts a binge/restrict cycle and makes us feel awful in the process.
ReplyDeleteNot much in my house today either. Trader Joe's is on my to-do list. Do you have a trader joe's near you? If you do, they have these boxed things that are called "Indian Fare." They come in a variety of flavors. They're veggies with good, thick sauce on them. All you do is heat it in the microwave for 2 min. The other day I made brown rice and poured the TJs veggie/sauce thing over it and it was soooo satisfying and nourishing. I think I will buy more of them today.
I love TJ's and I have had the indian fare (but I'm a baby when it comes to spicy and some of them are too hot for me). the curry simmer sauces in jars are also really good if you feel like doing a little more work, just add onions and garlic whatever else you feel like (spinach and chickpeas are really good with the masala sauce). I also always get their dry roasted almonds, and they have this amazing flatbread with truffle oil and mushrooms in the freezer section that M and i always split. I might go today too but the good thing about being on LI is that there are lots of good places to shop, unlike my last neighborhood... we have Fairway near us which has amazing produce!
ReplyDeleteSo I did go for a run but not a crazy long one and I was hungry when I got back & I ate what I felt like eating, which was some chips and homemade guac from the other day, and a big salad with hard boiled eggs. I think i'm going to do this recipe i've been wanting to try tonight, it's like a stew with chickpeas and brown rice.
hope you're having a great day!
oh and I also had a protein shake earlier. just adding that so you know i'm really not restricting :)
ReplyDeleteGood job, R!!! And, yes, I love TJ's simmer sauces. I looked for their flat bread with truffle oil and mushrooms today, but I didn't see it.Your stew with chickpeas and brown rice sounds EXACTLY like something I'd want to eat!
ReplyDelete