Perserverence, Positivity, Politeness, Perspective, Patience, Pride

I was thinking today about how I do so much better when I am:

POSITIVE (believe in myself. believe that I will keep a normal weight)

PATIENT (understanding that I wont' ahve perfect food instantly - or ever - understanding that I'll still eat weirdly sometimes and it'll get better but not all at once. Understanding that I'll still eat more than I wanted too - and that'll get more under control, but not all at once.)

keeping PERSPECTIVE

POLITE (speaking kindly with myself, encouragingly)

PERSEVERANCE (willing to strive for the same goal over and over again. keep putting one food in front of the other)

aiming to be someone I am PROUD to be.



Woke up, went to Jane's. I was in a "will not eat" mood and was hoping she'd forget about the fact that I had to eat with her - but she didn't forget. So I ate. And I was told that next time I need to "pump up" the food I bring a little - make it a little more robust. She reminds me of what I want. She helps me find my true voice. It wasn't really hard to eat lunch with her, and, after I ate it, I was glad I ate it - because it is what I want. I want to be someone who eats in the day in a moderate, balanced way. And I also ate dinner. And an afternoon and evening snack too. Everything was pretty normal except for the evening snack (which wasn't a binge - it was just weird - and it therefore made me feel guilty).

One of my huge motivators right now is simply striving to be someone I'm proud to be. I'm not proud to have an ED; therefore, I need to not have one. Ha - simple as that, right? I wish. But it is enough of a motivator for me to push on. I want to be someone I'm proud of.

We also talked a bit about what hunger does for me. For me, hunger makes me feel accomplished. It also takes away worry (worry of inadequacy and of fatness). Jane's theory for me is that when I was growing up, I got all of my self-esteem from gymnastics. In college, I stopped gymnastics. And, although I started diving, diving isn't the same. And I ultimately had to quit for ED reasons. And I was in dance but had to quit that too for ED reasons. So Jane's theory (which makes sense) is that the ED gave me self esteem when gymnastics left. the ED replaced gymnastics (it gave me a thin body; it made me feel accomplished; it made me feel special and good about myself; it gave me a way to evaluate my goodness as a person; it gave me an identity).

So then we started talking about identity. I can't have the gymnast identity. I can't have the pre-pubescent identity. Jane says I can have a transitional "I am a person recovering from an ED" identity - and, while that's true, I want more than that. That's not my only identity right now and that certainly can't hold for much loner. I can't have "thin" as an identity. So who am I? Jane's point today was that you don't just snap your fingers and decide who you are. Identity gets created little by little and you sort of stumble upon it. Identity is made up of multiple factors: relationships, your likes and dislikes, personality, accomplishments. So... something to think about anyway. I might come back to this in another post. I know I can't just "decide" or "instantly create" my identity - but I can get to know myself better by figuring out which relationships matter to me, what I like and dislike, and what I have accomplished and want to accomplish - and maybe what I think makes me unique. It would probably be helpful to figure that out.


Something else is helping me to push forward and push through and being more and more healthy - and that something is the way I treat myself. I've noticed that I've become a lot easier on myself. A lot more forgiving with myself. A lot more patient. A lot kinder. My behaviors recently slid backwards, but coming out of them is a lot easeir this time around because I am less militant with myself. Like, tonight, I ate a snack. I felt bad about it afterward. I counted calories and got to a # I'm not okay with. I had to remind myself that this number is actually not a number that would make me gain weight. Plus, my snack was a little weird (like, disordered weird). And I got mad that I couldn't just eat like a normal person. And instead of beating myself up, I just realized that i could have been worse. It was better than last night. And, I just need to keep on trucking and I'll eventually get to a place where this all flattens out a bit. I am praciticing Patience, Perspective, Perseverance, politeness, and Positivity with myself.

Jane told me she wants me to start leaving messages to her voice mail when I'm triggered. I'm not calling anymore to "make an argument in defense of eating" so it's not like I'd be calling a zillion times a day. Her example of a voice mail she wants is "I am standing in the store and I am thinking that everyone is thinking about how fat I am and my body image is just taking a nose dive and so I counted calories and now I feel the need to do x,y, and z....." Her hope is that I'll say everything disordered, which will make me separate from it, and then I'll finish the message with a calmer, more patient, kinder, more understanding, more realistic take of the situation.

I asked Jane if she promises this all works out in the end and if you keep pushing through that you get to a better place and no one ends up gaining weight non-stop and no one ends up with a bingeing problem or something. She said that in all of her 30 years of working with people with EDs, it has always worked out for people. She said that the only people that end up with un-fun eating habits and an un-healthy weight are the ones who drop out of treatment early. She said it is somewhat common for people to drop out at about the stage I'm in and then come back to her 2 years later or something.

So - change of subject - the type of community development that makes my blood dance is called Asset Based Community Development (ABCD). I first was introduced to ABCD during an internship after my freshman year in college, and fell in love. That summer, I also attended a 5 day long training in Chicago on ABCD that was led by the Father of ABCD (a guy named John McKnight). The next summer, I interned at the same place. And then I pretty much abandoned taking classes in college and started doing a zillion community projects in the surrounding community that were guided by ABCD theory - and getting credit for them! And I also did indpendent studies where I read a gazillion things on ABCD, etc. During the last two years, I have attended another ABCD training and been in contact with some ABCD practicers. I want to explain right now what ABCD is but that is too daunting a task right now. Anyway, I sort of feel like I'm always so close to being on the "in" of ABCD/community outreach world and yet I am constantly remaining on the "out." That's sort of irrleevant though. My point is that something cool happened! So, last April I signed up to go to another ABCD training workshop in LA (takes place in October). It is being led by 3 people. 2 of them I know of - they are big names in the ABCD field and I harrassed each of them with phone calls and e-mails when I was in college. The other woman who is leading hte training workshop - I didn't know who she was. Well, in the mean time, I've been in e-mail correspondence with an alum to this grad school program that I'd love to go to. This alum seems to have expertise where I want to have it and her interests overlap with mine. I am going to visit the program at the end of September and will be meeting this alum for lunch. Anwyay, I just put two and two together recently - THE WOMAN WHO IS RUNNING THE ABCD TRAINING WORKSHOP THAT I AM ATTENDING IS THE SAME WOMAN THAT I'VE BEEN EMAILING WITH RECENTLY! How cool is that?!!??!

Also had dinner with a friend tonight. I recently told her about my ED. I used to keep this so secret - ashamed of it - not wanting anyone to take it away - in denial about it. I've lately become a lot more open. I have told 2 friends about it in the last month. And I've told them an accurate account and I am honest about how things are in the present now. Anyway, the girl I ate dinner with tonight asked me how my eating was and then asked if it was okay that she asked. I told her it was fine that she asked. And, honstly, I think I like that she asked. It isn't taking over our friendship. We talked 95% about other topics and 5% about "how my eating was." I guess I just really appreciate that she takes it seriously despite the fact that I don't look emaciated. And I guess I appreciate that she takes the time to ask. I told her I ate lunch with Jane today and she said, "Good. I'm just glad she knows you well enough to know that it's important for her to eat with you." Anyway - it was just a really nice experience being open with someone aobut hte ED. I didn't feel judged or disregarded or anything. We were able to talk a/b it without it consuming the conversation. Just... good stuff u know....